Smile for the Dildo Cam Honey!

The first doctor’s visit when you're pregnant is always kind of interesting. Usually, you’ve arrived at the doctor’s office after taking exactly 300 tests to confirm that yes, you are with child.

But the doctor? She doesn’t believe you. Yes, they make you take a test to prove that the sore boobies and acne aren’t because you are hitting puberty a little late in the game.

After asking the “when was the last time you had sex” questions, they say they are going to do an “ultrasound.” When they told me this, I imagined sitting in a warmly lit room, my husband holding my hand while the ultrasound wand glided over my belly.

Soft music would pipe in as I’d get my first glimpse at my baby, which would be fully formed (yes, at nine weeks) and waving “hello” to me.

Boy, was I wrong.

What you really get is the “Dildo Cam,” also known as the transvaginal ultrasound. It is a form of induction to “The Club.” For the next nine months, all things in your life will revolve around your vagina.

Never had the transvaginal ultrasound? For those of you awaiting your induction, basically, a tech gets a special camera and shoves it where the sun doesn’t shine. There is no soft music, no waving baby. All you get is a full bladder, a pillow shoved under your bottom and a tech that doesn’t even bother to buy you dinner first.