Have you seen my fabulous hemorrhoids?

There is a group of women out there that think they didn’t get morning sickness because they wouldn’t allow themselves to. Like, they think throwing up all day, every day is a state of mind.

“Oh, I just wouldn’t allow myself to throw up,” she says while rubbing her nonexistent belly. “So I didn’t.”

Any pregnant woman that comes across these types of women should turn the other way and run as fast as she can (which might just be lumbering gently away). Why? This woman has the “Miracle of Life Syndrome.”

Every little gas pain and tummy rumble is special. They feel like they’re “glowing” and just love every last bit of pregnancy, right down to the hemorrhoids.

You do not want to be friends with these women. They will brag about “easy” labors. Their babies will sleep through the night by the end of the first week.

Worst of all? She’ll be fitting into her “skinny jeans” by her six week postpartum checkup. Never trust a woman that can fit into her skinny jeans that quickly.

Find yourself someone with hyperemesis. She won’t ask if you “tried crackers.” She’ll be truthful about labor and will be your friend in sweatpants for that first year after the baby.Never underestimate the value of a friendship where you can go grocery shopping together in your pajamas.