The Sarcastic Journalist is a freelance writer and mother of two living near Houston, Texas. She has a degree in journalism and an addiction to magazines. She is hoping never to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. You can find much more of her home-grown snark at: shenuts.com
In addition to recounting 40 not-so-glowing but hilarious weeks of her pregnancy for our pregnancy calendar the Sarcastic Journalist used her sarcasm super-powers to help make our new edgy sarcastic pregnancy tickers. Check 'em out!
Week 40 : Don't poop on me!
Nobody ever wants to voice ALL of the fears they have about child birth. Sure, people will say “I’m scared it hurts” but they don’t want to talk about the other fears.
How about the fear of pooping on the birthing table?
The fear of pooping during birth is a totally valid one. Why? Well, when it is time to “push” the baby out, many nurses will tell you to bear down like you are having a bowel movement.
Yes, so if you’re bearing down like you’re having a bowel movement, what do you expect to happen? Yes, Virginia, you're going to have a bowel movement.
When I had my first child, I was pushing for close to two hours before she was born. Two very long hours. After she was born, my husband took a bunch of pictures of her, including her feet.
Her feet had brown poo stains on them. At the time, my husband had told me she pooped on herself when she was born. I then walked around explaining to everyone that my child had pooped on herself while being born.
It was awhile before I put two and two together: A new baby has yellow poop. But, that first poop is actually a tarry black mess. It sure isn’t brown.
That means that I pooped on my baby when she was born. Welcome to the world, sweetie! Here is some poop for your feet!
I’m just glad that I didn’t poop during a water birth. Could you imagine sitting in a tub with your partner and having a “floater” pop up?
Well, if anything, it would have given us practice for dealing with all the “floaters” that my daughter, now a toddler, likes to produce.
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haha! thats hilarious..thats like one of my worst fears!
And I wish I didnt read this.
Because now, I really betchya anything I make the mistake of letting it go on my baby after birth.
Greeeeat.
HILARIOUS!!! =)
Much needed laugh!!
hahahah havent exactly heard much about that lol
but thats kinda funny
After having my daughter I waited until everybody cleared out of the room except my mom and whispered my most important question... "did I poop?" she laughed at me so hard but she swears I didn't...not sure if I believe her
LOL - it's so true that people don't really dare talk about all their fears when it comes to pregnancy and birth (and even breast-feeding, come to think of it). I was right in the middle of a 23 hour-long labour with my first baby when I asked the midwife in total panic about the possibility of pooping. She just smiled and told me not to worry, it was normal and that basically all women do it. Relief! I remember my mother telling me that back in the days when she gave birth to her children (there are three of us), women were forced by the midwives to have enemas for 'hygiene' reasons. Apparently, where I live now, women can request an enema if they feel more comfortable than dealing with the mental anguish of a possible involuntary poop session, but... I'm glad I didn't go for that option. The midwives just dealt with everything very professionally, and I don't actually remember anything about the situation (too out of it). My hubby says he didn't even notice either. Then again, he remained firmly positioned by my head. Just as well!
ilmao.....my b/f told me i did, i was soo out of it i didnt care....but afterwards and still to this day he jokes about it...so you gonna poop agian...lol! its embarrasing but hey the docter tells you to push! and thats what you do.
Lol, I was terrified of this with my first son... but after he was born, and I've had time to really consider the situation, there is so little I remember about the active stages of labor (my friend just told me the other day about some stuff that happened I don't even vaguely remember) I'm not so worried this time around-- I figure heck, I'm a little **busy** and everyone's going to be so excited about the baby they'll at least kindly look over the fact, if it happens this time...
Well, except for my husband. This is his firstborn, and I'm sure he'll never let me live it down. Luckily, I've gotten plenty of embarrassing stories about him from his mom.
My first pregnancy- I didnt even know you could poop and give birth at the same time... I was too busy trying not t kill a doctor to worry about it afer my cousin grinned and teasingly said something about it.
The second baby... well.. it was over in six hours- and I had.. Uhm. Emptied... that area before my water broke.
^_^ Little Vladimir pooped on the nurse TWICE after he was born though- Once when the nurse was holding him and the Doc was cutting the cord- and a second time when she was carrying him over to the clean up station.
He made up for me not doing it xD
from post below:(when I had my first dd 14 yrs ago I pooped..I still remember the doctor looking at me and asking me why I did that....the only thing I could think of saying to him was...seriously...if it wasn't for the epidural I might would have kicked him...lmao)
That was just so funny! I am not too worried about it, I am betting I'll be in so much pain i will not give a care.
This has ALWAYS been one of my biggest fears!!! I just hope it doesn't happen...for the sake of everyone involved, especially my baby girl!
This is too True! LOL When I went to have my 1st son Andre, I was all ready and dilated and everything was going great. I had the urge to pee, so my Nusre came in the room and said "Honey I am gonna check you and see where the labor has progressed to and you may, by all means, get down off the bed and go Potty." Ha Ha Fat chance of that happening. She checked me and called another nurse to get the doctor. Apparently Andre had his head almost out and was ready to make his debut into this world. Then my Lovely nurse and doctor decide to tell me I WAS NOT allowed to go Pee as the baby would likely come out in the toilet, so they said go ahead and pee on the table if you really have to go. I was only 20 and was like i really have to go number 2 not number 1. They were very reassuring to me and told me that it was perfectly normal to poop on the table as many other women had done in the past, and many more would do in the future! LOL Thankfully i did not go and Andre came out after only 20 short minutes of Pushing. Btw try explaining that when you push the baby out it feel like some one has lit you on fire inside down there and wants you NOT to scream while pushing this Burning thing out of your body! But the baby came out healthy and happy and He was the one to pee on the table. So cute!
It happened to me. I'm one of those people who don't care though. I just smiled at the nurse who had to clean it up. Funny thing is, now I'm the one cleaning up the mess when a pregnant mommy poops. Its okay they. It happens and its nothing to be ashamed of!
I am so ill at the moment so poop is a touchy subject but I laughed until I started to gip again. That made my day :)
x
That is another worry of mine.
I'll remember to stay away from sweetcorn and other bullet type offerings.
My partner keeps worrying I'll make a fool of HIM and explode all over the table.
I mean...with all of the constipation I have been suffering. It has to come out sometime, right?
This is why they now give you an enema first!
This is why they now give you an enema first!
Oh my God!!!!! lol
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Ladies, we have officially gotten spammed! I can hardly believe this. Also Kristin, I know what you mean about thinking you lost your sense of humor. I'm only 9 weeks and I'm already more than miserable. I absolutly love this article. Each time I get a little more than miserable I just read one of these or I go to the pregnancy cartoons and see if I can't find something to brighten my day. It's never failed. I wish all of the mommies to be a great birth and a quick recovery. God bless you and yours.
I'm also due in less than a week for my 3rd (a girl finally) and I'm still scared that I will poop
This is too hilarious! I already have 2 boys & when I gave birth, that was the biggest fear of mine. When I was pushing for both, I did pee on the doctor though. It wasnt my fault. I told her that I had to use the bathroom & she told me to keep on pushing! Thats what she gets for not listening to me!
OMG This post was just HILARIOUS. I am at work and trying to not laugh so loudly, but it's only making me cry. My poor stomach muscles. The girl who sits next to me finally asked if I was okay. I shared the post with her and she's now mortified, having not yet had kids.
I had a mirror, so I know I didn't poop during Deliver #1. Hopefully Delivery #2 will have the same results in 10 weeks. It's definitely something I think about but try not to stress over.
I'm not pregnant, but this is my BIGGEST fear about having children. Seriously, it takes the number one spot. Pain i can take, pooping? not so much.
I'm a very lucky first mother, my mother happens to be a mother and baby RN, so I get the very best information. She tells me that nearly every single mother poops and I am no longer worried about it. It's caused by baby's head pushing along the back of the vagina and squashing your rectum. If you are really worried about it, when you feel like something is coming out of your butt, you can always sit on the toilet and labor as long as you haven't had an epidural yet. It's a wonderful feeling, knowing that this happens to nearly all new mothers.
OH GOSH I REMEMBER THAT DAY THEY TOLD ME TO PUSH SO I DID AND GUESS WHAT HAPPENED I DID THE NUMBER 2!! AND I HAD TOLD EVERYONE I WANTED TO GO TO THE RESTROOM BEFORE I HAD HER, BUT THEY TOLD ME NO!! BUT IT HAPPENS!! SO TO ALL THAT IS GETTING READY TO HAVE A BABY SO BE EMBARESSED, CUZ IT HAPPENS AND WHEN IT DOES YOU ARE NOT EVEN GOING TO CARE!!!
omg this is too funny...when I had my first dd 14 yrs ago I pooped..I still remember the doctor looking at me and asking me why I did that....the only thing I could think of saying to him was...seriously...if it wasn't for the epidural I might would have kicked him...lmao
That is soo one of my BIGGEST fears of child birth. I am not scared of the pain (I did my first labor totally natural), but pooping on myself or the dr. is what I am scared to death of. I am 40 weeks pregnant right now and in early labor and I have had MASSIVE diarrhea for the past few hours. I hope it stops before I start pushing because it will SPEw everywhere!
I laughed sooo hard I cried!!
hahah! so funny! for my first birth, I remember never hearing about that until the day I went into labour and when I was pushing it constanty felt like I was gonna poop.. I don't think I did, but afterwards my doctor said its completely normal. I think that's one thing I'm not going to really worry about. Its just something else to laugh about later!
ya that was really funny
This whole set of ancedotes has made me feel sooo much better I'm 20 weeks along and was feeling miserable until I started reading this. I couldn't stop laughing. Thanks for the lift!
I have to say that i was laughing so hard when i read that, that i am surprised i didnt poop on myself right now, lol. Of course i have thought about that, but really considering all that would be going on, pooping during birth i'm sure is the last thing people will care about. I am just about 40 weeks along with my first child, a little girl :-), and i am ready for her to get here finally!
I laughed my butt off at the 40wk!!!
I think with my first child, I was a bit worried about pooping. But once you have had the child and are able to think back, it's pretty immature and stupid to worry about it!! My husband witnessed everything with the birth of our first child and he handled that wondefully!! He just couldn't take the needle being stuck in my butt to numb me for sewing, lol!
To me there is something that is a lot more disgusting than a little poop (everyone poops anyways) and that is the delivery of the placenta!!! I mean... a littl bit of BM will seem like NOTHING if you can bring yourself to look at the placenta!! I have already had 2 kids and am pregnant with my 3rd... I couldn't bring myself to look in the tub with the placenta with the first/second and I doubt I can with the third.
BTW, when you are delivering you won't even notice that you are pooping. It is so much more disgusting (to me) to feel the placenta being delivered. Give me BM over placentas ANYDAY!
LMAO! That is the truest fear that I had when I gave birth. Thank you for writing that!
LOL! I definitely think this is a fear that most moms have. I did want you to know that probably was your baby who pooped. The baby's first bowel movements are called "merconium" and they are a tarry black to dark green, and as your nurse or feed your baby then they become yellow.
LOL! This happened to me as well. I had not even considered it could happen... How embarrassing!!!! I wish we could go back to the days when nurses gave you an enema before the birth!
Very funny!! I needed a good laugh today! I am a first time mommy, just shy of 27 weeks. I read this article and pictured my husband's face all over again when I told him that could very likely happen. I'm just glad he is taking such an interest in all of the development and learning as much as he can about the labor and delivery!
During my 1st labour my doctor placed two fingers just inside my vagina and pushed back towards my rectum. He told me to push into his fingers. Before he did this my pushes were very uneffective but after he told me where to push she was out in three or four pushes.
I'm 23 weeks. This was one of the funniest I've read. I skipped ahead. This is my 4th child. I never even thought about the 'poop' factor a whole lot. I don't know if I ever did or not with the other 3. It is good to be able to laugh about it. It takes the stress away and some of the embarassment. Besides, if you can't laugh at yourself then my goodness!!! :)
I have had two kids and am pregnant with my third and the last thing I am worried about is whether or not I have a BM during birth. After having half the hospital looking up your privates,who cares if they see you poop? And as far as my husband seeing or smelling it, we have been married for 13 years and been through the birth of two children together, there isn't much he hasn't seen.
Oh Nat, apparently you have never been in a birthing room. Do you think if a woman has a BM it's going to smell up the entire room and into the hallway? With everything going on down there, a "smelly poo" is the LEAST of anyone's worries.
You find that funny ? I find this obscene to say the least. Are people becoming less and less modest ? There is a good reason why men used not to be allowed in delivery rooms. We should keep it that way. Remember that even if he stays at your head, he will still be able to smell. Unless you have no trouble pooping with the door open and with witnesses, you should keep it as private as possible.
Its okay, it happens and I SWEAR they have seen it before!! Besides at that point, nothing else will matter but holding your baby for the first time! Afterwards, if you can't laugh about it, then the fact that you poop is the least of your problems!
I think that this article does not help to calm the nervous mother. It is totally natural to poop while giving birth. And the OB or Midwife should scoop it away immediatly so no bacteria can get on or near the baby. So, I don't know why that baby had poop on her feet. Sounds like malpractice. Some women get enemas before labour or when they get to hospital, but if you poop during labour it shows the OB/midwife that you are using the right muscles to push out the baby.
wow im 28 weeks preg and have heard many stories of my friends or relatives ''poop incidents'' im very nervous for when that time comes... my hubby is to stay on the side of me so i can squeeze his hand the whole time n so that way he is not down there seeing that mess! isnt there like a pill or liquid that they can give u so that a ''poop incident'' doesnt happen??
I love it when people say..."I know it happens ...but it didn't happen to me"...
I talked to a nurse about this before I gave birth (5 months ago) and she said something like 80% of women do it and are never aware of it...due to the epidural or a swift nurse that sweeps it away before you notice...
It was my biggest fear...lol..And it happened...and for nothing because after 14 hours of labor I ended up having an emergency c section.
Ahhh... the mortifying things we do for our babies... Mortifying...but totally worth it.
Funny!> I'm 34 weeks pregnant and this has been a fear of mine since I got pregnant. I am so scared that everyone in the room will see what I do in the seclusion of bathroom. I will be beyond mortified if my boyfriend sees me doing THAT! He wants to tape the birth but I quickly said no!
My teen was in the labor room with me and cut the cord. After a very intense and loud labor and the baby was born, drugged up, I looked over at my teen and smiled. She lip synced to me "Mom, you did not poop". teehee
Oh my god... My mom has blamed me for pooping on myself since i was born... Oh no.
this is funny, yet the thought of doing it would be embarassing, my due date was feb 11, its know feb 15, and this is one of my fears, besides bringing a life into this world.
Oh my god. Talk about a mix of emotions. I started off laughing uncontrolably upstaris. Woke up my husband and then cried. That was so funny. Thank you.
Lol, your hilarious... a "floater" .... some nurses told me that pooping is actually good because then they know that your pushing correctly is this wrong???
I was a pooper, but I didn't know anything about it with my first child until I was fixing to push and the nurse told me to push like I was trying to make a bowel movement. I wanted stop right there and die. I am now pregnant with my second child and am going to request an enema before going into labor! ha
This is a funny one!! It was one of my concerns!I was not a pooper...lol...I was so nervous I got it all out before but it was something I had worried about and it definately is a reality for a lot of women. I know we shouldn't be embarressed but we can't help it!
omg! i'm 39 weeks preg n trust me i was on ma own thinking this way if sumone have ever done it n there i read this article though funny but makes me think wat im gonna do? gosh i wud b so embarassed if this takes place in labor room, i cant think bout it ... lets hope for something better .. i think going to da washroom everyday might help !!!
Gloria, just wanted to let you know that it doesn't happen to everyone - but when you can talk about embarrassing things that CAN occur then it's not so bad after all.... When I was giving birth to my first Son 14 years ago, the midwife told me to give a little push after she broke my water - I peed all over her! I was so surprised, I couldn't even speak to apologize for several minutes afterwards. The medical folk are prepared for those sorts of things I suppose, because we ended up laughing about it together.
Im 26 years old having my first baby and I barely heard about this for the first time a couple months ago. WHAT??!! How come I never heard of this? Im so terrified. Does it happen to everyone?
oh golly this is funny
I had a water birth with my first daughter, 8.5 yrs ago. They used a little fish net to scoop the poop out of the jacuzzi tub. This time around I'm sticking to a liquid diet before the due date! We're hoping to water birth again.
yeah i admit it it happened to me but not as the same time my daughter came out..i had my bm before she came out..still embarrising!!
How funny and true! Oddly enough pooping on the table was my biggest fear other than feeling the epidural needle go in. :)
I am still cracking up! My husband was sweet about not telling me that I moved my bowels on the table...but all things in the dark will always come to the light. When I saw the photos of my 2nd daughter being born, he caught a pic of the poop coming out right along with her. I was so embarrassed, but hey-WHATCH GONNA DO. When you're in actual labor, you don't care what comes out...as long as those shoulders hurry up and stop tormenting you!
HAHA!! That was hilarious!!! Im almost 24weeks and I've thought about that from time to time. Makes me kinda feel bad for the doctors, ya know. What if someone was "sick" and had a BM during pushing.....eww.
haha This is great!
Can you refuse to go into labor if you haven't had a bowel movement that day? haha!
And this is exactly why my husband isn't allowed to videotape the baby coming out of my vagina....
yep... that is hilarious ! I was so scared with my first - I put my hubby on Poop Patrol - but then I had an emergency c-section. I am prego again and this still comes to mind all of the time !!!
This was the funniest thing I have ever read!! I had such a hard time trying to control my laughter. Thank you for writing that!!