Don't poop on me!

Nobody ever wants to voice ALL of the fears they have about child birth. Sure, people will say “I’m scared it hurts” but they don’t want to talk about the other fears.

How about the fear of pooping on the birthing table?

The fear of pooping during birth is a totally valid one. Why? Well, when it is time to “push” the baby out, many nurses will tell you to bear down like you are having a bowel movement.

Yes, so if you’re bearing down like you’re having a bowel movement, what do you expect to happen? Yes, Virginia, you're going to have a bowel movement.

When I had my first child, I was pushing for close to two hours before she was born. Two very long hours. After she was born, my husband took a bunch of pictures of her, including her feet.

Her feet had brown poo stains on them. At the time, my husband had told me she pooped on herself when she was born. I then walked around explaining to everyone that my child had pooped on herself while being born.

It was awhile before I put two and two together: A new baby has yellow poop. But, that first poop is actually a tarry black mess. It sure isn’t brown.

That means that I pooped on my baby when she was born. Welcome to the world, sweetie! Here is some poop for your feet!

I’m just glad that I didn’t poop during a water birth. Could you imagine sitting in a tub with your partner and having a “floater” pop up?

Well, if anything, it would have given us practice for dealing with all the “floaters” that my daughter, now a toddler, likes to produce.