Tweak a little here and voila: Insta-baby!

Just like there are old wives tales for determining the gender of the baby, there are tales for how to get labor started. If you’ve made it to 39 weeks and haven’t had a baby yet, expect to start hearing them soon.

For some reason, the thought of an impending birth makes women think they have the right to tell you what to do to get things moving. I can’t tell you how many times someone called me, insisting that their aunt drank castor oil before going into labor.

So, let me get this straight…you want me to have the runs?

Then there’s the whole “nipple stimulation” thing. I had a friend that pumped her boobs one night and then went into labor a few hours later. So, when it was time for me to have my first child, out came the breast pump. I put it to the boob and pumped. Nothing happened. I pumped some more. I tweaked. I tweaked the right, then the left, then both. I tweaked up and then pumped down.

Still, nothing happened. I wanted to cry. I probably really did cry. The deal is this: I was scared to have a baby, but I was so tired of being pregnant that I would do anything to get it over with. But, when I actually went through with trying to start having the baby, nothing worked.

A lady I had just met asked me if I had tried sex. When is it acceptable to meet someone and say “So, have you humped your husband recently?”

NO.

I looked at her and rolled my eyes, stating that the carnal act would have to wait until a human being had exited my body. I don’t know about you, but getting it on isn’t very fun when a little person’s head is firmly rammed into your crotch.