The Vagina Dialogues

In case those weekly doctor’s visits aren’t enough, you can expect to have family members start calling to ask about the state of your girly bits.

From your mother-in-law to your grandma, every woman that you have ever met will call to ask “how you are feeling?”

Sure, they just want to see what’s going on…everyday.

The deal is that these women can get creative with the reasons they need to call. Have you seen that new cooking show? Do you need any more clothes for the baby? What’s the weather like where you are?

No matter what you do, no matter how much you threaten to never let “grandma” visit her first grandchild, these people will still call. It’s like they think they should get certain privileges when it comes to the state of your vagina.

Are you dilated? Has the baby dropped? Did she do an exam?

I don’t know why, but having to explain to my mom that yes, the midwife did put her hand down there and measured the opening in my cervix with her fingers wasn’t something I enjoyed doing.

I think that the worst part of the whole “waiting for baby” thing was the vagina talk. It’s like, how many ways can we discuss a vagina without actually saying “vagina?”

Personally, I think it is best to scare them with a little “TMI,” if you catch my drift.

“Well, after the doc fingered my cooch, we discussed my bloody mucous plug.” Any person that is interested after you use the phrase “fingered my cooch” deserves all the information you’re willing to give.