The Sarcastic Journalist is a freelance writer and mother of two living near Houston, Texas. She has a degree in journalism and an addiction to magazines. She is hoping never to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. You can find much more of her home-grown snark at: shenuts.com
In addition to recounting 40 not-so-glowing but hilarious weeks of her pregnancy for our pregnancy calendar the Sarcastic Journalist used her sarcasm super-powers to help make our new edgy sarcastic pregnancy tickers. Check 'em out!
Week 37 : I'm sorry, I've got to RUN!
I’ve always found it amazing how our bodies just know how to make and have babies. Is there a manual in there for it to know about cell division and how to grow a placenta?
When the end of the pregnancy draws near, it is not uncommon for your body to start giving off signals that say “a baby is coming!”
Yes, your feet swell and your hips spread, but that’s not the only thing that happens. Your bowels, ahem, finally get moving.
Yes, that’s right. All those weeks of constipation are coming to an end! In fact, things are probably moving right along down there.
It’s hard for me to use these words, but in order to continue, I’ll just get it out in the open: You’re going to have diarrhea. The runs. The trots. Call it what you want, but you’ll be spending a bit more time on the potty.
For me, “the runs” always snuck up without much notice. One minute, I’m standing in the bathroom, brushing my teeth with my husband and the next I’m running down the hall screaming “I’ve gotta go!”
I think the worst part about the whole diarrhea while heavily pregnant thing is that it is almost impossible to look somewhat graceful while running to the potty. How can you? You’re trying to make it to the bathroom in two seconds or less all the while having a giant basketball protrude from your belly.
The sooner you learn to accept that you can’t do the Diarrhea Dash while looking graceful, the better. Who cares what they think? You’re nine months pregnant. I DARE anyone to mess with you.
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I've never experienced having diaherra with any of my pregnancies and this is my 5th one. Good luck to all those who do!
Comment on 10th Oct '06 @ 5:57 pmThis comment is 1
Yep... I truely know what you mean... But I dont call it a dash... I call it the quick waddle.. My hips have spread so much my walking is painful so while quickly waddling.. I moan and groan about how painful it is to move this fast down the hall way... haha but it will all be worth it soon.
Comment on 1st Nov '06 @ 3:52 pmThis comment is 1
this is my second pregnancy and i did not get constipated this time around but the runs have been there since day one (just worse now). i am soooo round that i find it really hard to clean up so i keep a bucket of wipes on the back of the toilet; they work really well and my son thinks they are there for him.
Comment on 8th Nov '06 @ 9:03 amThis comment is 1
Normally I wouldn't be so open as to discuss my bowels with strangers, but somehow throughout this pregnancy I've slowly lost all dignity! I had emergency knee surgery about 1 1/2 weeks ago, so getting up and "running" to the bathroom on crutches is quite the challenge! That goes for pretty much any activity in these final weeks. A pregnant woman on crutches is quite the sight!
Comment on 12th Nov '06 @ 10:20 pmThis comment is 1
OMG is this frickin' true. I have had em for like 2 or 3 weeks now. I cannot eat or drink something without it coming right back out an hour later. Makes you not want to eat
Comment on 24th Dec '06 @ 10:28 amThis comment is 1
THis article made me laugh and laugh. I just love when people get so real about pregnancy instead of "oh, it's a wonderful experience." It is but, it sure doesn't feel like it when your running to the toilet 20 or 30 time in a 24 hour period most of the 3rd trimester!
Due - 6/6/07 3rd child
Comment on 5th Jan '07 @ 12:48 pmThis comment is 1
Wow, you relly are hilarious, I laughed so hard I've got tears!!! I can remember when I had these probelms, but for me they happened at night, when I'm so fast asleep that I wake-up on the toliet! Fun times, fun times!
Comment on 16th Jan '07 @ 9:24 amThis comment is 1
I have not once heard anyone talk about how hard it is to wipe your ass when you are this far pregnant. Sometimes I think my bag will break trying to reach around to do this deed. Then trying to wipe from the front is also not easy because of the basketball right there.
Comment on 16th Mar '07 @ 5:40 pmThis comment is 1
Wiping IS hard. I haven't seen it in a single book or even from my nasty sisters who were really open about gassiness and pooping on the delivery table.
Comment on 20th Mar '07 @ 10:45 amThis comment is 1
WOW!
Comment on 26th Mar '07 @ 3:01 pmThis comment is 1
This article is great. I have 3 grown children with my first grandchild (girl) due any day. This is so true.
Comment on 2nd Apr '07 @ 11:49 amThis comment is 1
I think this is soooooo funny, true but funny. You are so right on about stuff and of course, no matter how truthful your girlfriends are that have had kids, they never really tell you EVERYTHING! LOL
Comment on 15th Apr '07 @ 10:18 amThis comment is 1
I can't relate to this one. Diarrhea? No..haven't had it. I do notice my bowels moving a lot more than normal considering I don't eat much fiber..but I have been upping my intake for a few days now.
Comment on 25th Apr '07 @ 8:19 pmThis comment is 1
Oh so true! lol And Terrie S. I feel you! lol instead of calling it a basketball I call him a bowling ball! :-D
Comment on 28th Apr '07 @ 11:59 amThis comment is 1
Ok Ok...so somehow we must collaborate all of the "wonderful" things about pregnancy that people seem to leave out...like the wiping issue! I think it is truly hilarious to read that I am not the only one who finds it extremely difficult to do a thorough wipe job, and then wouldnt you know it, after all that work, the minute you stand up...a little more dribbles out!!AUGH. How frustrating :P
Comment on 1st May '07 @ 3:53 pmThis comment is 1
i loooove these articles they are always so true. my is in the mornings when I am trying to check my email and keep in touch with family everyone else is asleep because hey I am supposed to still be sleeping but hey I am PREGNANT so I have to waddle UP the stairs 3 times in an hour almost every morning I have 2 more weeks til I am due and this has been going on for a month fun fun
Comment on 9th May '07 @ 7:16 amThis comment is 1
OK...I was kinda wondering why i had been going number 2 a lot more. I thought i was coming down with the flu or something, but i had no other symptoms. Good to know that it's just a normal preggo thing. And yes, it sucks having to go up the stairs at 5 AM to go pee and then try to sleep again after that. Not only that, but i just get to sleep and then i wake up having to go again. Oh the joys of pregnancy!
Comment on 15th May '07 @ 1:44 pmThis comment is 1
I was one of those women that would not share this info with anyone especially my husband before pregnancy, but as another person said my dignity is out the window. I noticed with the pregnancy that I have had to go poop more often then before. Its been thru my whole pregnancy but it has gotten more frequent now. When I have to go I have to go!!! Instead of checking for emergency exits I check for the location of bathrooms when Im out!
Comment on 10th Jun '07 @ 8:28 pmThis comment is 1
I so agree that it's incredible how our bodies know how to make babies! My hubby and I are constantly in awe when we read about all the amazing things happening inside my tummy - and all without me even having to think about it! It really just makes me think - "Wow God, you're so clever the way you've made us" It's been an eye opening and wonderful experience.
Comment on 21st Jun '07 @ 10:13 pmThis comment is 1
so basically after reading most of these only being about 4 1/2 wks myself, I am going to become the most shameless women I know and my soon to be husband will never look at me the same... well, good to know. At least I can kinda prepare myself... this kid better not dissapoint...
Comment on 9th Jul '07 @ 9:08 pmThis comment is 1
I agree 100% about the doing # 1 and #2 while you are 9 months pregnant. I can't sleep at night because I have to constantly get up to use the bathroom. it's annoying but I know when I see my little girl it will be all worth it.
Comment on 13th Jul '07 @ 7:25 amThis comment is 1
I agree, i could never do #2 , but now almost everytime i go to the restroom i have a BM. I don't know about the rest of the readers.. but this was a very funny article... i made me laugh!!
Comment on 26th Jul '07 @ 7:10 pmThis comment is 1
I'm with you sister! You are so funny and I am truly grateful that you "keep it real"!!
Comment on 27th Jul '07 @ 6:00 pmThis comment is 1
Thank you! I needed a laugh today.
Comment on 23rd Aug '07 @ 2:42 pmThis comment is 1
I have always been regular even before pregnancy. This is my 1st and since I've been pregnant I go at within 2 hours of each meal I eat. But now that I am 37 weeks I have the runs like you wouldn't believe, they always sneak up when I'm in church or they wake me up out of my sleep. They really have a mind of their own either you get to the bathroom quickly or they will let themselves out them you will have a mess on your hands. :)
Comment on 10th Sep '07 @ 7:47 amThis comment is 1
Well, now that I've learned how to cover up the waddling in my 35th week, I've progressed to trying to cover up running to the bathroom. My BMs usually come at the same time everyday, but they still take me by surprise; and I totally agree with everyone about the wiping thing, it feels impossible. By the way, anyone else feel like their baby is getting poked in the head by mommies ribs everytime you lean over. ow!
Comment on 14th Sep '07 @ 10:32 amThis comment is 1
Gosh,I WISH I COULD GO TO THE BATHROOM,REALLY,LOL
Comment on 20th Sep '07 @ 9:17 amThis comment is 1
WTF, is up with all that???
Comment on 1st Dec '07 @ 7:46 amThis comment is 1
Thank you so much for this article. I thought there was something wrong with me as I've been dealing with this for the past few weeks!!
Comment on 1st Dec '07 @ 2:50 pmThis comment is 1
uh oh we've got ourselves a spam attack!
Well ladies I hate to say it but it will be this way till that baby comes out, and I mean COMES OUT... you will learn that the hard way ; )
Comment on 26th Dec '07 @ 7:28 amThis comment is 1
im glad that someone can explain to me whats going on so i dont have to ask. This is my first pregnancy and i dont know much about whats going on and somethings arnt so easy to ask about.
Comment on 19th Feb '08 @ 5:07 pmThis comment is 1
It is oh so true! and halarious! it is nice to know I am not the only UNsexy 8month Prego! ;)
Comment on 25th Feb '08 @ 7:33 amThis comment is 1
With my first pregnancy I was very constipated almost the whole time. That ended real quick after I delivered. Unfortunately most of the time I couldn't feel it coming. There were a couple accidents! Everyone I knew warned me of everything about pregnancy and labor, except that.
Comment on 11th Apr '08 @ 6:55 amThis comment is 1
without gods excistence we would not b able to get preg.. its a miracle of gods creation how a simple sperm an egg grow into a human being!!!
Comment on 26th Apr '08 @ 10:25 amThis comment is 1
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