The Sarcastic Journalist is a freelance writer and mother of two living near Houston, Texas. She has a degree in journalism and an addiction to magazines. She is hoping never to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. You can find much more of her home-grown snark at: shenuts.com
In addition to recounting 40 not-so-glowing but hilarious weeks of her pregnancy for our pregnancy calendar the Sarcastic Journalist used her sarcasm super-powers to help make our new edgy sarcastic pregnancy tickers. Check 'em out!
Week 34 : What a sweet little tumor!
I’ve always made it a rule of thumb not to assume a lady is pregnant unless I see a baby emerging right then and there. Why? You never know when you could be wrong.
For example, one time I went with a heavily pregnant friend to Starbucks. The barista asked my friend if she was pregnant. “No,” I said, sarcastically. “It's just a really big tumor.”
“I had a stomach tumor once that made me look six months pregnant,” she retorted, effectively ruining my joke.
Open mouth, insert foot.
So, it shouldn’t have been a surprise to me that some people wouldn’t acknowledge my pregnancy to me. It seems like they’d go out of their way to have to ask if I was pregnant.
“Would you like some wine to start your meal,” the waiter would ask.
“Is there anything I can help you find,” asked the Victoria’s Secret saleswoman.
“Prenatal massage? You’re pregnant?” asked the masseuse.
“No, it’s just a tumor but I like to pretend its my baby,” I felt like snarking back.
That’s why there is such an industry for those “Baby!” t-shirts. Getting the “is she or isn’t she” looks is tiring. Sometimes you just want to look at someone and say “Yes, I’m knocked up. What are you going to do about it?”
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LOL, I know exactly what you mean, I walk around and people just stare at me wondering if I'm pregnant or not. I just want to wear a sign around my neck or something saying, " yes, I am pregnant, so what?!?!"
Comment on 13th Sep '06 @ 2:10 pmThis comment is 1
A great comment back to the waitress after her retort would have been, "well then I guess you would understand how uncomfortable it is for a complete stranger to ask if you are pregnant or not"
touche!
Comment on 1st Nov '06 @ 10:42 amThis comment is 1
L0L. i know. people stare at me and i just want to yell! plainly you can see im pregnant! A lot of people ask me if my baby kicks yet..knowing im 8 months. i want to say something smart back!! like of course he kicks!
Comment on 16th Nov '06 @ 10:06 pmThis comment is 1
Ha! My husband and I moved (military family) when I was 8 months pregnant with our first and our new neighbors held a meeting in the front yard trying to determine if I was pregnant or not and who was going to ask. At that point though it was kind of a "Hello!?! Not I swallowed a watermelon seed and it started growing..." But what bothers me more then people always asking are the people who like to touch... I can't even go into Walmart anymore...
Comment on 29th Dec '06 @ 10:34 pmThis comment is 1
Amen!! I don't know what's worse... the looks of horror or the "when are you due's??" followed by the "oh my g.. are you big!?". No, really, I never noticed the bump on my torso that goes from boobs to pelvis. I wonder if people REALLY know how stupid they sound. Man I hope they squirm for days afterward!! I'm pretty confident that all pregnant women are freaks of nature to some. When I go to the local YMCA to swim, I hear people make comments like, "I hope her water doesn't break!" How ignorant. I had one lady there say "I've never seen such a big stomach!". Keep in mind I am well within growth range..
The new prayer for all preggy women:
Lord give me the strength to clench my jaw firmly in plce. Glue my tongue happily inside my mouth so I can not stick it out at people who stare. And also make me unable to be mean or sarcastic to those who don't know any better and/or are to stupid and tactless to care. AMEN
Comment on 8th Jan '07 @ 2:19 pmThis comment is 1
I know that everytime one of my cousins or even friends come around they look at me and say, "Gah, you're big." And then followed by,"I still can't believe you're pregnant." Well I have been for 8 months...I thought they would have gotten used to it by now! And everytime my uncle sees me he tells me I'm "FAT"! Not big but FAT! And I'm not...I only weigh 151 and started out at 124 and I'm 5'7"!! I'm all belly lol!!
Comment on 10th Jan '07 @ 2:33 amThis comment is 1
I totally understand! My deal is that I HATE being called fat or huge. It's OK by me if they comment my belly or ask when I'm due or what I'm having but I almost always feel like drop kicking somebody who calls me fat. I'm ALL belly, there is no fat there! I mean seriously come on I haven't even gained 30 lbs and I only have 5 1/2 weeks to go.
Comment on 20th Feb '07 @ 7:06 amThis comment is 1
i literally fantasize all day long about what it would be like to post a huge sign next to my desk answering all the same pregnancy questions that every single individual (mostly strangers) seems to ask as they approach the reception area where i work. my response to their questions now are robotic and emotionless since ive been answering them over and over again dozens of times a day since about 5 or 6 months into it and im almost due now. i cannot believe that ppl act like they are the first person to ask me the questions even at 8.5 months pregnant! im sorry but most ppl are complete morons i guess. >:( so sick of it!!!!
Comment on 22nd Feb '07 @ 12:41 pmThis comment is 1
I hear you ladies! I am completely sick-and-tired of people telling me that I am big. Well, duh! I am about to explode here, and it really isn't comfortable. The worst was when I was at starbucks and someone told me that I shouldn't be indulging in a caffinated beverage due to my condition. What do you say to people like that? I just very politely told her to "SHUT_UP!" When your feet are swollen and your back is killing you, I think it gives you the right to tell someone where they can go!
Comment on 22nd Feb '07 @ 1:16 pmThis comment is 1
I have invested in those t-shirts, I get tired of people trying to be nice and asking are you pregnant so I never leave home with out my pregnant shirts, This way I can go out get things done and not have to talk to anyone.
Comment on 24th Feb '07 @ 8:57 amThis comment is 1
I'm glad I'm past the questioning looks and into the "When are you due?" stage. Oh, but I don't care for the "Any day now?" comments. I'm not THAT big - am I?
Comment on 27th Feb '07 @ 12:32 pmThis comment is 1
That's why I enjoy wearing the shirts that make me look pregnant so people don't question. For half of the day I am in scrubs though so I get the glaring eyes and about 5 minutes later, there they are asking the age old questions..."Are you pregnant?","OH! How far along are you?","Do you know what it is?" I've learned to enjoy the questions. : )
Comment on 8th Mar '07 @ 11:30 amThis comment is 1
At first I got that, now it's "Aren't you ready any minute?" I am only 34 weeks...but he is really big so I'm being induced at 37 weeks...don't really think I will last another three weeks! Lately the tired, irritable feelings take over and I just say "Yes, I am ready right now, but he isn't" That usually works.
Comment on 22nd Mar '07 @ 6:40 pmThis comment is 1
omg, i hate it when people stare, but worse when they just touch out of nowhere. im 34 weeks and a few days and im actually quite small in mid-section size compared to some of the pictures i've seen. and these stupid people are just coming up to me and rubbing me all over the place. i feel like some sideshow attraction. lol... i need a t-shirt that says "yes, im pregnant. its a girl. her name is lilly. im almost due. yes, she moves a lot. no, it's not been a hard time for me. and NO, YOU CANT TOUCH HER. lol
Comment on 1st Apr '07 @ 9:13 pmThis comment is 1
Strangers will glance at my belly, I see this frequently like at the grocery store or when I deliver pizza to a house. The lady at the grocery store asked when i'm due. She didn't ask, "are you pregnant?" she just came right out with the question of when I'm due. My mom (who's overweight) and not pregnant has gotten the question of when she's due before..that would suck. But I suppose all the more incentive to lose weight right? My belly is just sticking out now and it's just too obvious. When I went to walmart to buy some salad and strawberries, the guy in front of me said, "oh she's eating healthy" and the cashier said, "For now anyways" as if being pregnant means i have to eat my greens and shun fattening stuff. ha! yeah right. I ate coffee icecream today and some macadamia icecream too. One question that people keep asking throughout my pregnancy is, "When are you due?" And I keep telling them but it's like they forget and have to be reminded again.
Comment on 2nd Apr '07 @ 2:01 pmThis comment is 1
wow.... if only i could hide this to be mistaken for just a few extra pounds...i'm so obviously pregnat people seem to think i am past my due date.... wow! only 34 wks! you're huge!! (here i tell them its the fourth baby, and you get bigger with each one.. )
i'm huge, i'm pregnant, i'm chasing a two yr old, a five yr old and a six and a half yr old.. i'm in no mood to hear just how big i am or when is that baby due!! i'm pretty sure i know.. i mean ... my belly now rests on my legs when i sit (esp to drive).. it takes two hands on my gut to roll over in bed.... even my " maternity" tops seem to want to creep away from the belly as it its too much of a chlalenge for htem to keep it covered...
if anyone knows how big i am its me.
and that whole due date thing... well.. forget it.. why try telling them .. they dont listen anyway.. this time next week they will see you again, and agian will have forgotten that you should realistically be pregnant for about another month..
i am esp annoyed with the ones that have had babies.. do they not remember how big they got? how that due date just seems to hang so far away, like Christmas.. just never seems to come fast enough....
Why do they so insensitively make us who are still dealing with it feel worse??
and don't even get me started on the belly touchers.. seriously.. what is the big deal anyway?? its still my body.. should be considered sexual assault to touch a pregnant woman's belly without invitation (course, for some of us,it is the most action our body will see all week...)
Comment on 18th Apr '07 @ 2:45 pmThis comment is 1
I was walking through the mall the other day with a friend of mine, and this guy sitting on a bench out of no where says, "Damn you're big." It took everything in me to not go up to him and say something off color. Luckily the only person who's tried to touch my stomach is my mother. If a stranger did, I think I'd touch their's right back. I don't mind when people ask me if I'm pregnant or when I'm due, because I think (or thought until that guy) that I look wonderful pregnant. I do appreciate how some people smile at me for it, but I have to say, I've noticed men tend to be more insensitive about it.
Comment on 19th Apr '07 @ 5:31 pmThis comment is 1
It gets fun on the other side of things as well. My morning/afternoon/evening/middle of the night sickness has been such that at 34 weeks I'm still fifteen pounds down from my pre-pregnancy weight (though the ultrasounds show that the baby is a good size). I keep getting, "What, you're pregnant? You don't look pregnant..." If I wear a sweater, you can't necessarily tell. I had a friend that I hadn't seen for awhile express concerns over my weight gain. Then I got to explain that it wasn't weight gain, but weight loss and baby, thank you very much. Yes, I'm pregnant, yes, I really am that far along, and no, it isn't just wishful thinking that I should have a new baby come June.
Comment on 26th Apr '07 @ 1:18 amThis comment is 1
I got really funnt looks like that up until the end of my 2nd trimester. I didn't show the whole month of January, I just looked like I was "letting myself go", then finally a visible positive belly shot out (almost overnight) and I felt much better about how I looked (actually pregnant, instead of just a binge-eater). Now I'm all belly and everyone comes up and talks to me abou my pregnancy, the attention is fun sometimes, but now that I'm close (but still so far=June 10th) I hear I look like I'm ready to go anyday! Not fun. I'm right on target according to the doctors and a little bit small to the other pregnant people in my life, so it's a matter of perception and manners.
Comment on 30th Apr '07 @ 11:27 amThis comment is 1
this is hilarious when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant with my youngoust son my older son had to have an x-ray of his hand the tech looked at me before he went in and said (serious as can be) "Is there any chance you might be pregnant?" I just laughed and said my mother in law was going to go in with him lol
Comment on 9th May '07 @ 7:29 amThis comment is 1
EXACTLY HOW I FEEL...AT MY NIECES BIRTHDAY A FRIEN D OF THE FAMILY I HAVENT SEEN FOR A WHILE TOLD MY SISTER IN LAW I HAD GOTTEN FAT...SHE JUST LOOKED BACK N WAS LIKE SHES PREGNANT!
Comment on 10th May '07 @ 12:21 pmThis comment is 1
Man, I totally agree! I am a senior in highschool, and I have people looking at me all the time. I can relate to the "yeah I'm knocked up, what are you gonna do about it" part! I have people ask me if I'm pregnant and I feel like saying, "NO, Im just fat!" and I have people ask me if this is my first, and since I am 18 and a senior, I feel like being, "NO! It's my fifth!" some people are so ignorant!
Comment on 22nd May '07 @ 11:52 amThis comment is 1
Oh, I have people ask me if I'm pregnant all the time, or they'll say "Oh, I didnt know you were pregnant."
And my usual comeback is "what did you think all of this was!??" pointing at my belly.
I had a girl ask me the other day if it feels weird being pregnant and unmarried. I wanted to make her eat her own teeth!!
Comment on 26th May '07 @ 10:14 amThis comment is 1
I think that this article is crude. People make honest mistakes and if this author can't accept the fact that many do, then she needs to get a life. The best thing is that people have not approached this authurrub her tummy. People learn by asking.
Comment on 28th May '07 @ 7:28 pmThis comment is 1
It is totally a personal preference as to how people feel about being asked if they're pregnant or not.
I was heavy when I got pregnant so I kinda liked when I got big enough to actually tell it was pregnancy and not just getting fatter...again. I almost want people to ask now to assure me that, indeed, I do look pregnant and not just fat. My family knows I've always been self-concious about my weight so the family doesn't comment as much as I'd like about me changing because I know I am, they just don't want to say the wrong thing.
However...I understand why people don't want to ask sometimes. I was asked once before I got pregnant if I was or not by a not-so-smart coworker and was a little irritated. My sister-in-law has always been VERY thin and is now starting to show a little and tries to cover it up because she hates "getting fat". I wouldn't dare tell her she's getting bigger. Plus, my sister had a baby and was back home visiting a month later. Due to complications, she was no longer breastfeeding, but still had a belly. She went to a bar with a friend and was told she couldn't come in because she was pregnant! The bouncer gave her a REALLY hard time about it and she was furious. He got an earful! That's why some people DON'T ask.
Comment on 28th Jun '07 @ 7:34 amThis comment is 1
What's with all the Fuss? I'm 34 weeks and i don't mind the questions and the touching at all. In this day and age when every time you turn around there is a pregnant woman, I'm surprised people still think its special enough to notice. They may ask stupid questions, give silly looks (unbeknown to them) or actions,but,
at least I know that they still have good intentions. I'm happy to have this wonderful life inside me and I'm glad that other people feel the same way. Now what i am disgusted about is the men who continue to ogle and sexually harass pregnant women. I realize that we are actually walking billboards for sex, but, they should at least respect the fact that we have husbands or a significant other, and are becoming mothers.
Comment on 4th Jul '07 @ 7:59 pmThis comment is 1
Man you ladies are morons who can't tolerate nosey people. Some people just want to know because they think its their business! It's not because you are huge! Which by the way, YOU ARE! Get a grip mommies! I feel hopeless for this new generation coming in being raised by such idiots and snotty people.
Oh and Seda, a lot of pregnant women DON'T have a husband or significant others. So of course pregnant women are looked at as sex symbols! No one cares if you have a significant other or husband, it's the 21st century! They will still eye you and think of you as eye candy!
Comment on 10th Jul '07 @ 1:58 pmThis comment is 1
lighen up a little. it's normal for people to want to know if you're pregnant. And if you're not, it can make you feel very uncomfortable. So people being delicate about the question around you shouldn't annoy you and make you want to respond 'it's a tumor'. just be grateful that people are being consious of your feelings and respond with "Yes, I'm pregnant." People did not feel comfortable asking me until now (when I'm 8 months). Get over yourself. You're not the only pregnant woman in the world that's ever gotten the quizzical looks. Just maybe the only one who never appreciated the fact that others were trying to be sensitive of your thoughts/feelings versus just asking a dumb question.
Comment on 16th Jul '07 @ 12:27 pmThis comment is 1
I had a guy ask if there would be any children dinning with me at a restaurant, I said yes...the one in my uterus!! I am 8 months pregnant, kinda hard to miss. you know what he said.. "well, I wasn't sure." that made me feel like a gigantic balloon :(
Comment on 16th Jul '07 @ 11:33 pmThis comment is 1
I know what you are talkingaboutone day one of my cowrk askedme the same aftera mnth of gauking.I finalysaid "I just gained a littel weight and you whats your excuse" I feltgood to get that out there.
Comment on 1st Aug '07 @ 4:44 pmThis comment is 1
I've learned to ignore the huge or you're too small comments. I've been hearing them both this pregnancy (by the same person if you can believe that.) What I hate is the looks of pity I get when I tell them this is another boy. Like I don't want another boy or something. Stupid people. No ones been dumb enough to touch my belly though except my mom. I must just look mean when I go places.
Comment on 13th Aug '07 @ 11:19 amThis comment is 1
I have not been geeting too many questions about being prego or not. but since I was about 4 month - everyone was mentioning that I look huge and seems like I am due any minute. I am 34 weeks now but I am not as big as other girls I met at the doctor's office or prenatal courses. when I was 4 month - i was quite small. it's very, very annoying. to the people who wants us to get over ourselfs and admin that we ARE huge - how come you don't go to overweight people on the street and tell them that they are so huge? it's not polite, not politicaly correct? How come people feel that it's fine to call a pregnant woman huge and fat? I am so tired of explaning that i am not due next day or so - I just keep saying - yeah, in 2 weeks. then couple of times people would ask me when is my due date - I didn't expect that and it was embaracing.:)but then again - what else do you want to know - the date of my last doctor's check up?
Comment on 14th Aug '07 @ 1:49 pmThis comment is 1
okay so i'm really sad :( i'm not HUGE but i'm pretty thick especially after i had my son in May of 06'. my stomach was just never right after that and basically i never did any sit ups or anythin glike that sooooo it's like a gross blob (i call it my kangaroo pouch) i digust myself. well before i got pregnant again i hid it very well behide a good fitting pair of jeans. i swear from the moment i knew in my head i was pregnant i looked sooooo pregnant. basically because i can't suck in the gut. the most horrible thing in the world happend to me in walmart. i was waiting in line and this woman says to me " OMG WHEN ARE YOU DUE????" i was stunned i didn't even reply i was morified b/c i wasn't even pos. if i was reall preg or not. then she topped it off with "ARE YOU HAVING TWINS????? YOU LOOK BIG FOR BEING SO EARLY ON" i was like holy crap lady what is your problem i didn't even say yes i'm pregnant! anyways...i went home and cried. A LOT. i didn't know wearing sweat pants and a baggy tee shirt to walmart was such a bad thing.
Comment on 13th Sep '07 @ 5:28 pmThis comment is 1
amen to that!
Comment on 23rd Sep '07 @ 10:06 pmThis comment is 1
i hate it when ppl look at me...they look at me like if im some alien or something out of this world...it is so rude...i will appreciated it if they look the other way...n to make it worst they put this face like omg she is pregnant...its like they never seen a pregnant woman before...please get over it...
Comment on 18th Dec '07 @ 4:08 amThis comment is 1
I have people who barely know me ask my friends behind my back if I'm pregnant. It annoys the eff out of me. Why don't they just ask me.
Comment on 26th Dec '07 @ 1:14 pmThis comment is 1
I haven't gotten too many weird looks. I have told most of the people I know. At least they won't have to ask the inevitable odd questions. As far as questions from strangers, I'm lucky in the that area too I guess.
Comment on 5th Jan '08 @ 9:30 pmThis comment is 1
this is so true and funny! As a young mother its even worse but still equally funny.
Comment on 13th Jan '08 @ 8:49 amThis comment is 1
For the first five months i was the same size and when i told people that i was pregnant they would look at me like i was crzy it drove me crazy.
Comment on 19th Feb '08 @ 8:44 amThis comment is 1
About 6 months after I had my 1st son in 04, my friends mom asked if we were already having another one!! It embarresed me, Yes, I know I need to lose wieght, but God I only had my son 6 months ago! Get real! But oh well, too bad I haven't seen her since I got pregnant again. Now I really look pregnant! Yipee!!
Comment on 25th Feb '08 @ 3:24 amThis comment is 1
i hate when people just look at me like im really fat. i just wish they would ask me. i mean im 8 months come on now is that hard to tell?
Comment on 4th Mar '08 @ 7:49 amThis comment is 1
So, I'm sure all mothers have this, but everytime someone asks me "Are you Pregnant? When are you due?" I simply reply.. "Are you caling me fat?" and walk away!
It's funny to look back and see their suprised expressions.
Comment on 13th Mar '08 @ 6:21 amThis comment is 1
HAHA thats funny but i know exactly how that feels... when i go to the doc i go to my dads work and eat lunch with him. A guy who works with him doesnt have the nurve to ask if im pregnant or not so he just looks at my belly even when i am talkin to him. He almost fell out his chair in his office b/c he was looking so hard.
Comment on 16th Mar '08 @ 9:37 amThis comment is 1
I actually came home from a buffet restaurant tonight, and typed in the question "Why do people stare at pregnant women" because it bothered me so much. I had to read that I wasn't the only one so that I could feel better.
This is my 6th pregnancy, so when I'm with my other 5 children, people stare even worse, like the "what is she doing, doesn't she know when to quit?" stare. I think I am more qualified and knowledgable than most people about what it takes to raise children, and I take dang good care of them, so I'll have as many as I can take good care of and feel is appropriate.
I'm only 28 weeks and the one I love the most is "You're so big, are you sure it's not twins?" Hey, my last baby was 9lb. 9oz., so this one could very well be over 10 lbs and I don't need to be reminded over and over again that I'm huge and about to explode!!! I think I know better than anyone else when I can't roll over in bed at night and have to get up and pee about 3 times during said night. Thanks!
Comment on 28th Mar '08 @ 9:17 pmThis comment is 1
i actually lost my job working as a waitress because i was so tired of people acting clueless and so oblivious to the fact that my big belly didn't match the rest of my body, therefor, i HAD to be pregnant..i swear some of the stupidest people on earth used to come into that restaraunt, and one night those pregnancy hormones kicked in TOO much and my bad attitude came out..i yelled from across the restaraunt when i heard "IS SHE PREGNANT??" "YES B**** I'M PREGNANT!..AND??" needless to say, i'm done working there because after that night, almost caught an attempted murder charge. lol...I hate when i go out in public, and when you walk by people, they cant direct their eyes from my belly no matter how much they try because they know i'm looking right at them..it makes no sense..most of these people have kids walkin beside them..so why would they act like they've never seen a pregnant woman before?? and why do they act so dumbfounded when i say loudly "DAMN, these people act like they've never seen a pregnant woman in their life!" (again, hormones)..they look like "who is she talking about"..YOU DUMMY..
Comment on 6th Apr '08 @ 12:00 pmThis comment is 1
I'm insanely sensitive about my weight, so every time I go out and walk about in front of public I keep my hands on top of my belly in that "generically pregnant" sort of manner. lol. It's like, "I swear I'm not huge, I'm just 33 weeks pregnant!"
Comment on 10th Apr '08 @ 4:26 amThis comment is 1
like up to 6 months after I had my son people where still askingme if I was pregnant I am like do not see the new born baby in my arms. Honestly if you have to ask then you are not sure and you shouldn't I would come home crying because I was trying so had to loose the weight I had been on bed rest for 5 months outta my pregnancy and gained alot of weight.
Comment on 14th Apr '08 @ 12:50 pmThis comment is 1
well one time i was in heb and this darn chick would not stop staring at me so i sound really loud to my friend. yea so i look young i am married and i am pregnant. why do people have to stare so much they act like it something bad. i was so offended and i looked back at the 16 year old. and her mother was like i hope you learned your lesson by staring at a pregnant people. ( i guess her mom always told her dont stare at people)
Comment on 17th Apr '08 @ 10:24 pmThis comment is 1
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Comment on 26th Apr '08 @ 12:52 amThis comment is 1
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