The Sarcastic Journalist is a freelance writer and mother of two living near Houston, Texas. She has a degree in journalism and an addiction to magazines. She is hoping never to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. You can find much more of her home-grown snark at: shenuts.com
In addition to recounting 40 not-so-glowing but hilarious weeks of her pregnancy for our pregnancy calendar the Sarcastic Journalist used her sarcasm super-powers to help make our new edgy sarcastic pregnancy tickers. Check 'em out!
Week 31 : It's my labor and I'll cry if I want to
Somewhere along in the Grand Scheme of All Things Vagina Related, a person came up with the idea of having “A Birth Plan.”
For those of you who have no idea what I’m talking about (I guess you’ve been staying away from those pregnancy message boards like I told you to!) a birth plan is basically self-explanatory. It is a plan on how you want to give birth.
The births of my two children couldn’t have been any more different. When my daughter was born in July of 2004, I had suffered through a long and stressful pregnancy. My plan was this: Have a baby with the least amount of pain possible. In fact, if I could have the baby while asleep, that would be great.
I did no research on the topic of baby-having. Why would I? I wanted to have an epidural the first second I felt any discomfort. Needless to say, when I did start having contractions, I totally freaked out.
With my second child, I tried more advance planning. I researched things on the Internet. I read books and went to message boards where women discussed the pros and cons of having epidurals. I learned about the types of drugs available. I listened to Hypnobirthing CDs and tried to put myself in a good frame of mind.
I even wrote a birth plan. Basically it went like this: I want to do what I want to do and you can’t stop me!
I know of many women that were a little uptight with the planning of their births. They wanted copies printed out and handed off to nurses at the hospital. They drilled their doctors during checkups on what was and wasn’t allowed.
Here’s what it boils down to, especially if this is your first child: It is good to have wishes. It is GREAT to educate yourself on the process of birth and what is or isn’t available. But, when a human being is coming out of your “vajayjay,” things get messy. You might want drugs. You may decide you want to squat on all fours and bark like a dog. You may decide to denounce all men for their ability to produce sperm.
When you are down on all fours, barking like a dog, handing out said birth plan will probably be one of the last things on your mind. And? That’s okay. Just bark at anyone who doesn’t do things the way you like. You might get known as the “Crazy in room 203,” but heck, at least you’ll get things done the way you want.
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When I felt that none of the doctors in the office listened to my wihses, I made a birth plan and discussed it at the next prenatal visit. The doctor hardly gave it even a first glance. He folded it over and made me feel small for even having considered such nonesense. The baby was breech and surgery was necessary. However, his demeanor was one of many clues not to return to that practice!
(PS: I'm awaiting a 3rd c-section; Birth plans don't have much purpose with these!)
Birth plan?? When I was pregnant with my daughter (my first child) I probably read and researched every website available on child birth. After all, I had 9 months of nothing else to do but be pregnant and educate myself! I did sign up for a birthing class, but turned around before I even reached the classroom. I just had it in my head that once labor fully began, I would be in a whole different world...and I was. For me, nothing could have really prepared me for labor. I chose not to opt for the epidural, not because I was dead set on having a natural birth, but because I already suffer from chronic low back pain. So, I trudged through labor, and amazingly, I made it through with no problems...Don't get me wrong, nothing can describe the pain, but I got through it without any unreasonable expectations. I think that is probably the best way to enter the day of birth....no expectations. Everybody is different, and women's bodies respond to different things in different ways. I am now pregnant with my second child (a son!) and I am going into this the same way...I may actually be facing a Csection due to the positioning of my baby. I am not thrilled about the possibility, but I am also not going to make any unreasonable expectations about what I or my baby can do to make a vaginal birth possible.
I am pregnant with my 2nd child. And I will admit with my 1st daughter I read every book and attended the child preperation classes. Once my water broke and I got to the hospital I received the epidural. Everything I read and learned in class went out the window. All I cared about was not being in pain. Now with this baby the only thing I have to say when I arrive at the hospital is "where is my epidural?" Everything else I will leave in the very capable hand of the medical professionals. After all this is what they do.
That sounds similar to my theory, I'm 31 weeks and expecting my 1st. I've done some research but have decided there's no point having a birth plan otherwise I'll probably stress out if we get off track. I've told my husband and Obst my preferences and that's about it. I think it's like weddings - some women have to have everything planned to the second and everything perfect, I was a lot more laid back. I'm honestly more worried about what comes after the birth :-)
I didn't have a choice about the c-section with my first. He was breeched. Just my luck. I really didn't want that but guess what, it happens. Some babies are completly stubborn about being born naturally. As in through the vajayjay. Hopefully I'll be able to have another natural birth with my next one. My daughters labor and delivery went amazingly well. Only 8 hours and about 13 minutes of pushing. I hope history will repeat it's self again. I'm terrible with pain. I just can't tolerate it. Good luck everyone. God Bless!
I think the point of birth plans are to avoid unnecessary interventions, not what you said. It's too bad lots of women go into birth uninformed and blindly trust other people to decide for them, they just don't know they have the right to stand up for themselves and say what they want to happen. Hence the rapidly rising C-section rate in the US. Sad.
I am totally and completely uncomfortable! I don't think there's anything on the earth right now that could make me comfortable, well except giving birth, but that's totally out of the quetsion. This is my fourth and FINAL baby. I have a nine year old, a four year old and a 14 month old and am worn to the bone. I feel bad that I can't do fun things with them, but I just can't seem to even find the energy to get up to get the mail. aaaahh
i love this artical ! lol . i have been thinking of haven a natuarl birth but as soon as i felt those lovely fake contractions i changed my mind quick . and i siad to heck with my fear of needles,i was getting drugs!!!!!i don't want to feel a thing . i have been watching those ababy storie shows and freaked when i saw that needle . but i did a lot of reading on it and have finally made up my mind to have a drugged birthing. hell if i could get knocked out be for hand and woke up right as he's comen out i would but no such luck ! .
marcos you should go to pregnancy-info.net and go to the third trimester forum and ask your question there.. you might get some replies. good luck
Hii guess...I'm one of the boys that doesn't do this...but my girlfriend is in 30 week...but she changed a lot...we were doing good till the 3 month but she changed..I've been worry for her...I work two jobs and all I do it is for her..and she gets mad if I talk to my friends that I'm gonna have a baby with her...and well and too many things that happened...I just wanna know...if that's normal in this case...and I would like to know what I could do ....thank you
subaru owners
When I was in labor I was in so much pain (with the epidural mind you) that I couldn't even speak--I could only cry. My husband just stared at the hospital staff, unaware of who he even was. I had no means of communication whatsoever. So it's good that nothing went wrong (other than the pain). I think I would have been much more comforable if I'd had some means of conveying my innermost desires for how this pregnancy should go, because even if they presented options to me, I couldn't have given an opinion at the time considering the circumstances. So maybe birth plans (the non-freaky kind) aren't so bad in the long run.
I had a birth plan with my first child and will again with this one. I think it is important for the mom who wants to do things unmedicated. For one thing it helps you to strengthen yourself for the upcoming event. Yes you never know how it is going to go but you can always to your best to prepare yourself mentally and physically. I loved having a doula and will again. I can not imagine having done an unmedicated birth without her. Having her knowledge and support was so empowering.
On the light of this article, my only advice to first time Moms is just dont believe in your birth plan. Atleast keep it flexible. As a first time Mom, I wanted a drugfree birth but I myself tore up my birthplan after 24 hours of intense labour to beg for any pain relief they could offer me. It took another 5 hours to coax my baby out!( an 8.8 pounder) So this time I am wiser and havent made even a mention of the drugs I want or dont want for pain relief. I think I'll just go with the flow. More time to shop for baby clothes! :-)
I would love to hear more about your experience with hypnobirthing...
I agree totally! I had my son
September 29, 2005, and I am currently pregnant with his brother! I am due September 19,2007!!! 10 DAYS BEFORE MY FIRST SON TURNS 2!!! I am actually doing a birth plan this time... I winged it with my first son, I was induced 3 days before his due date, and I left the hospital not knowing what a REAL contraction felt like!!! Now some may say "You Lucky Girl!" But I wish that I would have toughened through it a little bit!!! That and my son left un-circumsized!!! Nobody asked me if I wanted to get him circumsized there!!!! And being a first time mom.... I forgot!! Needless to say... I am going to feel it this time!!!!!!!!!!
I told my husband about the 'barking dog'.. and we both got a kick out of that one!!! We Shall See!!!
Thank you agian
Priscilla Henry!!!
I had 1 basic thing with my first birth that was very important to me. I did not want people yelling at me to PUSH PUSH PUSH. Or basically yelling at me. My dr was great, she spoke gently when instructing me as to pushing. At one point, I think it was a shift change another nurse came in and was doing the usual PUSH PUSH 1234 blah blah. The dr kindly let her know to calm down. I am pretty sure I gave her the look from heck. LOL Whenever I have watched birth shows that just annoys me people YELLING at the mother who is laboring.
Anyway. I ended up with a c-section and have to have another one with this baby. My biggest thing this time is having my baby brought to me in recovery if at all humany possible. I realize that the hospital might not be well enough staffed that day for it to be possible, but I am going to try, because I didn't get to see my first until after I was done with recovery. (aside from a breif glimpse in the OR)
This is MY plan! I'm giving birth at a highly interventionist hospital, but didn't have much choice due to finances, so I'll have to resrt to giving 'um hell and a birth plan.....
Well said, Dawn!!
I've got two munchkins and #3 on the way. I had my 2 oldest completely drug free and plan to do so with this one as well. As someone who has been there and feels very strongly about MY RIGHT and my BABY'S RIGHT to have a natural birth, I feel like a birth plan is very important. Not only does it let your dr know what you are and are not ok with (which you SHOULD tell them! They are employed by YOU, NOT the other way around!!!), it makes you think about things that you might not have otherwise, or that you may not have known that you even had a choice in. I'm a birth doula and I spend time with every client preparing a birth plan, not only for the medical staff, but for the mama and myself, too. And yes, we make copies and make sure that their dr's are okay with the birth plan BEFORE labor begins, and the dr's are usually really great about putting in the mama's file so that it is already there and waiting on D-Day! Take charge, ladies! This is YOUR labor and delivery....NOT the dr's or nurses'!
I don't agree. Birth plans are great! I didn't have to hand out copies. They put one in my file, and all the nurses made sure the new nurses coming in saw it. I was able to go through the pain my way, without someone constantly asking me if I wanted an epidural. I've had three children, and am pregnant with my fourth, and will have a plan for this one as well. I have had an epidural--once--will not have one again if I can help it! Natural healing is SO much better, and if you are in pain, and someone comes up and whispers, "I can make the pain go away..." You'll agree. If I want it, I'll ask, that's all my birth plan says, for that.
Plus, it's good to have if you don't want to circumcize or have them give a bottle. Nurses will do what they are trained to do. It's nice to have an outline that says, "But wait, I don't want you to do it this way."
hey ladies,
I really enjoyed reading this article, I thought it had alot of great points in a very humorous manner. i'm currrently pregnant w/ my third child and my first two were like night and day. My daughter (baby #1) was 5 hour labor (on my due date)and about 15 minutes of pushing w/ no drugs and that was simplybecause i didn't do my home work on pain control. I figured, "i'll just let it happen. The second time around i was induced..twice and once labor picked up i had an epidural (oxytocin can be a bit much to deal with naturally)i was only in hard labor for about two hours and i pushed two or three times and he was out! this time around i do have a birth plan but its VERY open. So basically what i'm saying is choose whats best for you but keep an open mind and KNOW that its called LABOR for a reason. sometimes measures have to be taken to insure your health and the health of your baby and just because you find yourself screaming for that epidural does not make you a failure. Sometimes its better to be able to relax and get some sanity back before you great your bouncing bundle of needs. It's been a long road already and the journey is just beginning!
I totally agree with what your saying. This is my first pregnancy. I am 31 weeks. I have been researching on the internet, reading books and just educating myself on giving birth. I thought about doing a birth plan and even made a few up but in the end, I just ended up ripping them up because when I am in the midst of things...is a birth plan REALLY going to be on my mind? and if so will i be able to change anything? So i figured I am just going to go in there with the knowledge I have and do what I have to do to make myself more comfortable, even if I am the "crazy in room 203", but at least I will be as comfortable as it gets!
I personally don't have a birthing plan, I just plan on going with the flow of things and just hope for the best. This is our first child and my husband and I are very nervous. I plan on having him there every step of the way and if I just so happen to squeeze his hand so hard that I break it, the pain would have all been worth it!! (just kidding!)
my birth plan-cuss at scream at bite hit or smack anyone who tells me to breathe during labor-like you could forget. If only so that would not have been the only thing told to me with my second son I would have had a birth plan lol well I guess birth plans are good as long as they are just an outline of wishes and not so you think they are set in stone. I personally don't think I need one I just tell my mother in law and husband what I don't want to happen and want I do (things I know I can control) like telling my husband he is responsible to make sure no one tells me to breathe (it was absolutely ridiculous how they kept repeating it)
all right here's my birthplan: Pray, pray, and cry.
I am such in the same boat.Im doing it my way this time,and considering I had a bad allergic reaction to my epidural with my 6 year old,Im going for drugs,but not an epidural. I dont plan on using relaxation stuff, it dont work too well on me!lol. I do have a half baked birth plan, I had a quick,back labor with my son,and with the second son I plan on laboring at home as long as I can.I did that with my son,b/c I didnt know I was in labor,but it worked out great for me.I was just wondering,not labor realated if anybody elses husnad has become absentminded as I am. He forgets everything these days,not like him at all.
I found this weeks article had me laughing audibly at my computer screen as being pregnant with my 5th child I know how impossible the whole 'birthing plan' concept can be. Each child came into the world according to their own little 'plan'. Two of my daughters were born at the same hospital only 16 months apart and while having the same midwife kept things similar in process, the births were unique in their own way. And this is what I believe to be that first building block for your child that makes them the wonderful individual they are and will become. I have 9 and a half weeks to go and I have no plan at all except to have my partner by my side, and my best friend of 16 years to join us in our birthing expierence. My eldest daughter will be 16 in May but I remember her birth like it was yesterday, Daughter 2 will be 14 in June, Daughter 3 will be 9 in December, and daughter 4 will be 7 in May and all remarkable and unforgetable expierences. Now anxiously waiting for the upcoming arrival of my son my main focus is on enjoying the moment for what it is and not concerned with clouding my head with rules and regulations that may only cause upset if all of a sudden nothing is going to plan. So if you do have plans for your childs birth, don't be discouraged if something changes to alter those plans in some way. Just go with the flow and expierence your own little miracle of life.
you are so right...i think birth plans are silly and hardly anyone really goes thru with them. things do get crazy when you go into labor, you can't predict what will happen, just pray and be nice to your nurses and dr's.
There is nothing wrong with planning especially because no one knows you better than yourself. I did it(wrote out a plan) for all three of my born children and even for this baby coming, BUT each one was different and I did feel different in each one. With my first daughter I planned having no pain meds and all natural. She came out in 15 minutes of pushing but she was small. (I was lucky!) I said yea I can have another planned having my daughter the second way the same, but no some how i couldnt deal with the pain. I got an epi, and was not happy! Pushed for three hours, and promised I would not have an epi again. My third said I would do pain meds and go through with it well when I was in labor I kept on falling asleep when there were no contractions and woke up crying that I would do a C-section; doctor walked me through it and had him natural. Well this one I plan on going in and seeing what happens!:) Just thought somebody my find my experiences useful in decisions because I am a person who tolerates pain just fine.
I love this article. When I was pregnant with my 1st, I was 19 years old. I had an epideral done in the 15th hour. It was nothing like I had imagined or heard. I didn't do research and 21.5 hours later came my baby boy. The recovery sucked as well, but you never hear about that part of birth. My second son was born 8 months ago. Now with him, I didn't have time for drugs or nothing, he was born in 15 minutes. Now, the recovery with that one was great only because I could walk immediately after, but at home, the pain sucked. I am currently pregnant with my 3rd and everything about this pregnancy is different which worries me that the birth is going to catch me totally of guard. I wish there was a way to predict how things go. But in the end, the whole process is the greatest thing in the world.
I think it's a great idea to have a birth plan if you also realize that it won't be 100% the way that you think it will be. However, by writing a birth plan, and filing it at the hospital, the nurses and doctor know what we want just in case.
Oh my god, I totally can get with this.
I did actually end up on all fours but instead of barking I was asking god to kill me dead, and castrate all men. Needless to say that he just laughed and none the less I am on my way to doing this for the third time. I think this time I'm going to get a video recorder to remind me of things like Baby acne, varicose veins, siatica, heartburn, and the fact that I have not been able to see my snatch for the last 4 months.
How embarassing getting out of the shower only to have your ungrateful spouse/sig other say um you missed a spot...
Now this is my own opinion, but birth plans are for first time mom's, and control freaks. I'm a control freak, but I'm on baby number 2 and I know that it goes exactly the way it goes, because your baby, though I'm sure brilliantly intelligent like my own, cannot yet read. No matter what you tell the nurses you want, there is only one person calling the shots (Or two, or three or more sometimes.. depending)and you had better get used to their decisions for awhile.