You'll laugh, you'll cry, you'll never have sex again!

I once had the gall to tell someone who announced her pregnancy to me what I thought she should do during labor. My basis for doing so? I watched “A Baby Story” on TLC. What is even funnier about this is that at the time, I had never been pregnant, let alone gave birth.

Thanks to the miracle of television, you too, can watch the final weeks of a woman’s pregnancy up until the birth, neatly packaged into a 30-minute show. You’ll meet Jennifer (as they are always named Jennifer), a first-time Mom that has a house bigger than God himself.

Why they always have such nice houses, I have yet to figure out. I guess us po’ folks don’t make for good viewing entertainment.

The first few minutes of the show update us on Jennifer and her husband, Mike’s plans for the birth. They want no drugs. They want a shaman to come in during the birth and to bless the entire birthing room.

Flash forward to the delivery scene: Through the magic of editing, all we see is Jennifer screaming bloody murder, her crying over the decision to get an epidural and then a baby being born.

You get scared. “If Jennifer from Long Island can’t do it,” you think. “Then neither can I!”

That’s where you are wrong. I know of a high-profile blogger that refers to these shows as “When Babies Attack.” Everything that can go wrong will go wrong on these types of shows. It makes for good entertainment.

In actuality, the more I think of it, maybe these shows are secretly funded by the makers of contraception. What better way to gain more customers than to scare the dookie out of Patti from Idaho! She’ll never have unprotected sex again!

Trust me, you can do it! You’ll do great! And here’s one little piece of advice I have for you: Please refrain from watching these types of shows in the delivery room. You wouldn’t watch a show on cavities while waiting at the dentist’s office, would you?