The Sarcastic Journalist is a freelance writer and mother of two living near Houston, Texas. She has a degree in journalism and an addiction to magazines. She is hoping never to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. You can find much more of her home-grown snark at: shenuts.com
In addition to recounting 40 not-so-glowing but hilarious weeks of her pregnancy for our pregnancy calendar the Sarcastic Journalist used her sarcasm super-powers to help make our new edgy sarcastic pregnancy tickers. Check 'em out!
Week 26 : No really, poke me AGAIN, it's fun!
When you’re pregnant, you’re getting ready to change all the “labels” in your life. You go from “wife” to “mother.” “Childless” to “Mom.” There’s another label they may forget to tell you about: Human pincushion.
I have never been poked with a needle as many times as I have while I was pregnant. It seemed that every time I turned around, someone was telling me they needed this or that tested and, of course, it always needed to be a blood test.
The most annoying test, to me, was the gestational diabetes test. Not only would you find out if you would have to stop consuming that gallon of ice cream every night, but you’d actually have to drink a sugary syrup before having your blood drawn.
The doctors always scared me with this test. They’d hand me a glass bottle with a bunch of directions typed on it and say “See you next month. Make sure to follow the directions.”
Too bad the directions were written by someone who had never met a pregnant woman that worried too much.
“Do not eat for X hours before test. Do not look North while drinking the orange soda. Do not hold your breath for longer than six seconds and please do not think about peeing in the next five hours.”
After you drink the orange soda, you have to make sure to get to the doctor’s office in a certain amount of time for them to do the blood work. From the minute the bottle touched my lips to my entering the doctor’s office, I would keep worrying that I wouldn’t get there in time and I had drunk the drink for nothing.
“I’m here for the glucose test!” I’d scream as I ran in. “I drank the drink exactly one hour and 55 minutes ago and I need someone to draw my blood now or I JUST MIGHT DIE.”
I never did die, nor did I ever miss the time frame given for me to have my blood drawn. I did, however, annoy plenty of nurses due to repeating “Oh no. I think I’m going to faint. I hate this. I’m going to faint. I have bad veins. HURRY THE HECK UP ALREADY.”
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that is so funny i have to have my test in three weeks!! I loved reading that
Comment on 16th Oct '06 @ 9:37 amThis comment is 1
That's the best! I take the test on Nov 3rd.
Comment on 23rd Oct '06 @ 10:14 amThis comment is 1
I know how this feels. My problem is I have been borderline with gestational diabetes throughout my pregnancy. When I was 13 weeks, I had to do a 3 hr. glucose test. they took blood FOUR times in 3 hrs. I thought i was going to die! and to beat all, i got to take it again in a week!!!
Comment on 1st Nov '06 @ 8:10 pmThis comment is 1
Great! I'm 26 on baby #2 but Baby #1 didn't make it far enough for the test, my early bird, I've heard horror stories but this one is hilarious, hmm looking forward to it? I think not!
Comment on 4th Nov '06 @ 8:29 amThis comment is 1
I have had to have it twice now.. Was pretty easy both times..
Comment on 9th Nov '06 @ 1:29 pmThis comment is 1
Brother - I was all freaked out about this test and even got a friend to go with me for support. I felt silly...because it was such a cinch...besides just waiting in the waiting room for an hour without much to do! (Take a book.) The drink was not THAT disgusting...they only drew blood once...and my baby didn't go crazy from all the sugar. I know now that next time will be no biggie!
Comment on 26th Dec '06 @ 11:43 amThis comment is 1
This story is hilarious. I actually have to take this test Jan.3rd. Besides having to go 2 days w/out sugar...my sister who is also expecting just had this test done. She said while in the waiting room she kept going outside due to hot flashes, and she said she felt like fainting or throwing up....yikes! This is my second pregnancy, and I dont remember it being so bad. We'll see.
Comment on 31st Dec '06 @ 1:20 pmThis comment is 1
I am pregnant for the second time this time with a girl (I already have a son) I take my test next week. I don't remember the test bad at all with my son, but who knows, this pregnancy is so different from the first that I am not sure what to expect!
Comment on 3rd Jan '07 @ 4:01 pmThis comment is 1
I havent had my test done yet but man oh man do I HATE having my blood taken . . . why do they always have to take from the same arm? Its just wrong! my poor left arm is getting beat up here!
Comment on 9th Jan '07 @ 5:50 pmThis comment is 1
When they gave me mine last month, I just had to drink the drink at the doctors office, and then they told me to go to the lab. Approximately one hour after I drank it, they pulled blood. It was really easy. The drink is gross, and was my only complaint. :)
Comment on 11th Jan '07 @ 1:57 pmThis comment is 1
I actually took the test Today! And alot of people told me that it was going to be so horrible. I drank it and it isnt bad at all. It didnt taste sugary at all, it just tasted like diluted orange soda. And it didnt make me sick or the baby do flips! They only had to take my blood once and i was out of there in an hour. :)
No fear Ladies. :)
Mal
Comment on 15th Jan '07 @ 3:26 pmThis comment is 1
i take that test tomorrow and im kind of nervous!
Comment on 30th Jan '07 @ 1:58 pmThis comment is 1
I just took the 3 hour gestational diabetes test this morning. I really feel like a human pincushion. I have no more blood to give.
Comment on 7th Feb '07 @ 1:44 pmThis comment is 1
What a bunch of babies, this test is not bad a all, just had it done today, the drink they give you is orange crush, but of course our minds play tricks on us and we think of it as being 10 times sweeter. they draw your blood when the time is up and then you go home. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL ABOUT THIS?
Comment on 13th Feb '07 @ 12:36 amThis comment is 1
OMG i know.. i had some problems early on in my pregnancy, and had like 4 blood tests in a 2 week period... UGH i'm tired of needles... i just had the gestational diabetes test, and lucky for you, it sounds like you got to drink the good stuff... i had to drink this stuff that tasted kind of like a really really sweet thick, flat, coke syrup... i couldn't drink any kind of sodas for like 3 weeks! just a sip and i would get sick.
Comment on 13th Feb '07 @ 11:44 pmThis comment is 1
I was supose to go take that test today but it snowed to bad for me to get out so now i have to go take the test next week! Ok are we aloud to eat before the test? If so what can I eat and not eat/drink??
Comment on 14th Feb '07 @ 6:27 pmThis comment is 1
I have my test next Tuesday and you are not supposed to eat anything for two hours before the test. I'm pretty sure the only thing I can drink before the test is water. But I went through this three years ago. The test isn't bad at all. Just the waiting part and not being able to eat is what I don't like.
Comment on 15th Feb '07 @ 1:22 pmThis comment is 1
I took my test last month and it wasn't horrible. I just hate waiting on the test results. Everything came back normal and I can still eat my gallon of ice cream. I do feel you on the pincousin part. I had to get blood work done the other day because I've been spotting and I'm only 28 weeks, no other preterm labor signs, and the lady took 12 viles of blood from my body. I was sick to my stomach, but I made it through with only minor bruising.
Comment on 21st Feb '07 @ 9:03 amThis comment is 1
I have to take it in a couple of weeks I am a little worried but it can't be that bad. This is my first kid but it should be ok cause I get to eat jelly beans instead of the nasty stuff they gave me a list and I can take what ever I want an hour before I go to my appointment.
Jessie
Comment on 25th Feb '07 @ 6:05 pmThis comment is 1
Wow how funny...yea i heard about that test..matter of fact i have it nxt Doc visit but yes ur 2funny lol..Thats wat i thought in the begining of the pregnancy..."Wow all these freakin labs n tests n wat not".."O look another needle"...lol so yuh it is crazy but the expirience is wonderfull...im 15 years old n a month n 2days after my due date i turn 16...crazy but im inlove with my unborn child...
Comment on 8th Mar '07 @ 9:16 pmThis comment is 1
i have to go get this done on March 30th. Im kinda scared!!! i was so scared of needles when i get pregnant but ive had blood tookin 3 times already im kinda gettin used to it.
Comment on 15th Mar '07 @ 10:52 amThis comment is 1
jajajaja this is funny because i take that same test in about 2 weeks!!! Let's see how i do hopefully i dont throw up!!!!!
Comment on 20th Apr '07 @ 5:14 pmThis comment is 1
I just had the one hour test done today and although the orange drink made me a little sick to my stomach, my daughter loved it!! You could watch my belly and it would just randomly jolt out, she was going crazy in stomach!!! But I love to feel her move, its so amazing!!! Good luck to all!!!
Dee
Comment on 24th Apr '07 @ 2:33 pmThis comment is 1
i had the same test 2 weeks ago and everything you said was exactly how i felt and what i went through. thanks!
Comment on 26th Apr '07 @ 2:48 amThis comment is 1
lol. I get to do that today. Sounds like so much fun. I loved the fact that my doctor went "your not going to like this test" before telling me what it was. Come on! I'm gonna be popping out a baby...this is just the sprinkles on the "GET IT OUT OF MEEEE!" cake.
Comment on 3rd May '07 @ 8:57 amThis comment is 1
I was supposed to have this test today but my doctor has a patient in labor. (Lucky Lady) Now I get to anticipate the fun for 2 more days!
Comment on 21st May '07 @ 2:31 pmThis comment is 1
Haha! This is soo funny! I just had my glucose testing done today! The drink was disgusting and they said if I didn't get my blood drawn at the exact time I was supposed to I would have to re-take it! I'm HORRIBLY afraid of needles so my mom had to hold my hand! I'm so glad that I only have to take this test once!
Comment on 24th May '07 @ 12:26 amThis comment is 1
HAHA THATS SOOO FUNNY! HEHE I HAVE MY TEST IN LIKE 3 DAYZ.. HAHA BUT HOPEFULLY I WONT PANIC TOOO MUCH!
Comment on 27th May '07 @ 8:49 pmThis comment is 1
Well...i'm prego with baby # 2 and the glucose never hurt. It was a cinch...its the 7 tubes they take when your first pregnant that scares the hell outta me. Last time i passed out because my morning sickness was so bad!!!! My test this time is monday and i am soo.. scared...i hate needles. And i always end up with some non socialiable angry bioch that could care less if she hurts me or not!! err..
Comment on 2nd Jun '07 @ 12:26 amThis comment is 1
Too funny! I read this article 3 hours after I took the 3 hour test, and I feel the same way! Id like to be treated like a pregnant woman, not like a sick person!
Comment on 7th Jun '07 @ 7:15 pmThis comment is 1
I have to go for that test tomorrow. Not excited. I just hope i dont't throw up before i get there.
Comment on 11th Jun '07 @ 3:47 pmThis comment is 1
I had to take that stupid test last Friday. but I had to take the three hour test and THEY MADE ME STAY IN THE OFFICE! It was TERRIBLE. I had to drink that 'wonderful' orange drink three times because the first two times I threw it up almost immediately because it was the most disgusting thing I have ever tasted! I hope you only have to do that test once a pregnancy!
Comment on 25th Jun '07 @ 10:33 amThis comment is 1
LOL! I have never felt more picked on in my entire life. I am a high risks pregnancy so I get a progestarone shot in the behind every week plus the norm shots. Got over my fear of shot really quick!!!
Comment on 7th Jul '07 @ 3:57 pmThis comment is 1
omg! what? no!! My biggest fear's in life are dying and being told, "sorry you go to hell" and needles!! I am completely petrified!! Every shot in my life has included either puking, passing out, giving a nurse a black eye, or having a marine sit on me to hold me in the room!! Ok, I just wonder I mean, if women for thousands of years have had kids without getting poked and prodded by *gulp* needles... then is it completely 100% necessary?? I mean is there anyway to get around it?? They can't FORCE me to do any of it can they?? Ok, panicking a little now...
Comment on 9th Jul '07 @ 8:29 pmThis comment is 1
no, panicking A LOT now!!!
Comment on 9th Jul '07 @ 8:30 pmThis comment is 1
I did the glucose test the past Wednesday, they gave me 5 minutes to drink the orange syrup, you can't eat or drink anything for an hour, and then they pricked my finger. And of course my sugar was a little more than they would like, but of course it was. There was nothing else in my system, they load you up on sugar syrup, and then wonder why your sugar is high.. It's not like we walk around all the time drinking sugar syrup.. If they tested my sugar under normal circumstances (being things that I eat everyday) the test would seem more beneficial because I know to know if what I usually eat will cause my sugar to be high, not sugar syrup.. what a stupid way to test for GD...
Comment on 20th Jul '07 @ 8:51 amThis comment is 1
I have to take this test on monday n i'm not sure if i will never took it with any of the others n they r all fine n so was i the stories that i hear n read do make me wonder is it really needed but i guess so if the Doc is tellin me that i have to take it wish me luck! my twins r not happy when i drink anything else but water n they do mean that (nothing but water can i hold down)
Comment on 25th Jul '07 @ 4:41 pmThis comment is 1
lol. i just had my one hour and tha whole 2 weeks before my mom n my stepmom were like ew its sooo nasty n sweet blah blah blah. i got there n they gave me my orange soda n my boyfriend was drooling over it bcus it looked soo good. at the end it wasnt nasty, it just tasted like orange soda without gas. even thought it made me burp like crazy
Comment on 28th Jul '07 @ 4:14 pmThis comment is 1
Hmm. My doctor convienently neglected to mention what this test would consist of. I usually don't trip out too much over getting lab work done, but now I'm starting to freak out! I have to take the test this coming week sometime... oh God this should be interesting!
Comment on 20th Aug '07 @ 3:00 amThis comment is 1
I could tell you stories for hours about giving blood. I have itty bitty veins so every time I go in to have a test, I always tell them, I would like to lay down because I have very small veins and this is going to take awhile. EVERY SINGLE time the nurse will say, "oh honey!" Like you think I've never done this before.... then about 5 minutes and 10 pokes later she'll finally say, "you weren't kidding" I always come home with both arms covered in holes and the next day they are 2 big bruises! I love how they think I never know what I am talking about! :) Gotta love the prego thing!
Comment on 21st Aug '07 @ 11:26 amThis comment is 1
oh my gosh! i hate needles. especially blood coming out from my own body. can you believe how much they take?!? jeez...lol
Comment on 22nd Aug '07 @ 12:45 pmThis comment is 1
I had my glucose test yesterday morning and omg! It wasn't too bad until I took the bandage off. They bruised my arms so bad, it looks horrible...
But the test itself went fantastic...
Comment on 24th Aug '07 @ 2:13 pmThis comment is 1
What a GREAT visual...pregnant lady 'running' into the doctors office..."give me the glucose test NOW!" Really gave me a chuckle!
Comment on 25th Aug '07 @ 10:40 amThis comment is 1
Omg.. This story is sooo true! I actually ended up waiting in the waiting room too long for the test to be done and had to drink ANOTHER bottle of the crud!! It was sooo awful! So when I went in the second time, I walked to the front desk and said, "I've been here twice for this glucose test and I AM NOT waiting.. I WILL NOT TAKE THIS TEST AGAIN.. SERIOUSLY!!" ...lol, they got me in within the first 3 minutes I was there.
Comment on 16th Sep '07 @ 12:31 pmThis comment is 1
Great...I go for mine on September 26th. I chose the fruit punch hoping it would be better than orange. I've never had this test before but I am NOT a big fan of needles. This article sounds just like what the doctor explained to me was going to happen. Hope it goes well the first and only time I'm going to take it.
Comment on 17th Sep '07 @ 11:51 amThis comment is 1
I go Oct. 9th to take my test,...I am not looking forward to it at all. I have small veins,...or so thats what they say, and anytime i have blood taken they can never seem to find one right away and then when they do they grumble about how it will 'have to do'. Im sorry but what do you want me to do about it, you have a problem with it dont talk to me talk to the person who made them that way. The first time i went in and they did all my inital blood work by tube 6 my arm decided it was sick of this and wouldnt give any more blood or atleast not at a decent speed to it took just as long to fill that last tube as it did to fill the first 5. I hope that these next ones arent that bad.
Comment on 26th Sep '07 @ 12:02 pmThis comment is 1
I took the glucose test and I felt like I was going to throw up. My boyfriend encouraged me to drink it by saying you can do it in the funny way. I was like this is not the little nicky film there (I can do it). My boyfriend tried to make it fun to drink that glucose drink. I waited the amount of time and was like draw my blood already. I had three little bottles of blood taken out of my arm for for other test too. All these test I know are worth it in the end. This is my second pregnancy so I'm going to keep positive.
Comment on 30th Oct '07 @ 5:18 amThis comment is 1
I HATE the Glucose test! It would make more sense to test your fasting blood sugar, but that would make too much sense. With my first baby, I had 24/7 Morning Sickness & the lab forced me to take the test, even though I was barely consumming enough food as it was. I wasted FOUR bottles of that crap before my MOTHER told them off. Needless to say, my glucose test never got completed. This is my 4th and LAST pregnancy. This time, this test is important due to my age, etc; so I will remain positive and try not to complain.
Comment on 5th Nov '07 @ 4:50 amThis comment is 1
I had my test done on Tues. This is my third pregnancy and third time drinking nasty stuff. The kind I had was orange and it was thick, very sweet and had a stong soda taste, but didn't taste like soda. I don't drink soda, so for me this was nasty, though tolerable. I had 5 min to drink it, the first time I drank it slowly. I thought that it might be better to sip it. I learned after that to just drink it done quickly and get it over with. Then you sit in the waiting room fo an hour. I was told that you can't walk around because the sugar will go through your body to quickly. They also said it was ok that I ate breakfast that morning. I guess it is different depending on where you go. It also depends on if it is just the 1 hour, 3 hour, 24 hour and so on.
Comment on 9th Nov '07 @ 6:48 amThis comment is 1
LOL. I have had to take 2 of those one hour test. The first one I failed and had to take the 3 hour test.....come to find out they messed up and didn't take blood before I drank the drink.(I already sat there for 3 hours) So I had to come in another day to do it...talk about a pain!!!!! My 2nd one hour test came out fine. I think the first one I messed up on the timing. Heh.
Comment on 16th Nov '07 @ 10:17 amThis comment is 1
I have to do the 3 hour blood test so I have to fast for 10 hours before. I've done it twice now and threw up both times so they think I must do it again only this time after 20 weeks thinking that nausea is just going to go away on it's own.
Comment on 10th Dec '07 @ 9:47 pmThis comment is 1
Those horror stories didn't apply to me. They made me drink it, wait there for an hour (no food, no drink, NO GUM!!!!), then took my blood. No biggie. However, the doc Lost the info when I was pregnant with my 2nd so I had to retake it at 34 weeks. Luckily, I was allowed to pee in between. When I went in this time (for baby number 3), when they started to hand me the orange one (I HATE orange soda) I jokingly said, "Again?!? The is the 4th time I'll be taking it and they've given me nasty orange Every Time!" That Lovely nurse took pitty on me and found me a "Sprite" flavored one. God Bless military nurses!
Comment on 14th Dec '07 @ 8:02 pmThis comment is 1
i got lucky, i can't take liquid stuff im a really big gagger so they gave me a king size snicker bar to eat before i go in..i have it next week =)
Comment on 18th Dec '07 @ 2:41 pmThis comment is 1
I hate it that for every test they have to draw blood. I hate needles. Oh well. So long as I don't have to go by my self.
Comment on 5th Jan '08 @ 6:33 pmThis comment is 1
I had to take this test a couple of days ago. They always have great difficulty finding a vein but two nurses later they eventually drew a bit of blood out of the back of my hand. Not fun at all. I hate being a human pincushion! lol
Comment on 10th Jan '08 @ 3:14 amThis comment is 1
I don't really get this article... I took the test last month, and its not a big deal AT ALL... wat is all the fuss about?
Comment on 2nd Feb '08 @ 6:19 amThis comment is 1
i did my test last week and failed it. so i got to do it again with stronger drink snd longer time and i have a list of things i can eat 3 days before the next test and i cant eat or drink anything till after the test. it lasts for 3 hours. i thaught i was goen to puke that stuff was so nasty. but i liked the article.
Comment on 20th Feb '08 @ 7:04 amThis comment is 1
I have to do the three hour/four pokes test on Wednesday. I'm so glad I'm not the only one! Can't say I'm looking forward to it!
Comment on 25th Feb '08 @ 12:08 pmThis comment is 1
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Comment on 18th Mar '08 @ 12:45 amThis comment is 1
i have bad veins also and i get poked 3-4 times each time they need blood. they try one arm and no luck. they try the next arm and no luck either. they eventually have to get blood form the veins in the back of my wrists. i hate getting blood drawn. i also have this test in 2 weeks. ugh. last pregnancy my test came back with high numbers, so i had to do the 3hour test, getting poked 4 times at least!! hope this one goes better.
Comment on 1st Apr '08 @ 11:59 pmThis comment is 1
**i meant back of my hands or my wrists**
Comment on 2nd Apr '08 @ 12:00 amThis comment is 1
and dream. by themselves The hollow rich flavor. pretty we watched
Comment on 8th May '08 @ 4:41 pmThis comment is 1
OMG This was too funny! I almost choked on my juicewhen I read it. I know how you feel though cuz I've been stuck so many times I can't even keep count anymore...Since reading this I'm not in the least bit nervous to take this test in a couple weeks. The only thing that I am wary of is having my arms stuck multiple times since I'm a really hard stick...
Comment on 9th May '08 @ 12:42 pmThis comment is 1
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