The Sarcastic Journalist is a freelance writer and mother of two living near Houston, Texas. She has a degree in journalism and an addiction to magazines. She is hoping never to experience the "joy" of pregnancy again. You can find much more of her home-grown snark at: shenuts.com
In addition to recounting 40 not-so-glowing but hilarious weeks of her pregnancy for our pregnancy calendar the Sarcastic Journalist used her sarcasm super-powers to help make our new edgy sarcastic pregnancy tickers. Check 'em out!
Week 25 : Tour de Stretch-pants
Going on the hospital tour was always an exciting part of having a baby. On both of my tours, I arrived at the meeting spot, my husband in tow, to find several other pregnant women waiting to go on their tours.
Of course, being a female of the overly hormonal variety, I’d size them up. Who looked like she had one too many ice cream sundaes. Who seemed a little neurotic and who decided to do away with fashion totally once finding out she was pregnant.
Yes, I know we were all pregnant and part of that big Vagina Sisterhood, but I couldn’t help but judge.
At the same time, I was wondering if they were judging me. You see, I didn’t want to go on the hospital tour too early. If I did, I’d look like some crazy woman who wasn’t even pregnant wanting to tour labor and delivery. I didn’t want to schedule it too late because what if I went into labor?
No, the middle of the pregnancy was, as Baby Bear would say, “Just right.”
I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous at the pregnant women who, when asked their due dates, would reply “Tomorrow!”
Tomorrow? I hate you. I have three more months to go and my butt doesn’t fit into my maternity jeans very well anymore.
The tour can seem a little overwhelming. They show you triage. They show you the rooms and, of course, the stirrups. Perhaps they point out the couch for Daddy/Grandma/Friend/Partner.
It all starts to seem a little too real.
On our first hospital tour, the nurse asked me how I felt. “I’m not so sure I want to do this anymore,” I said.
“Oh, I know, it’s all a big adjustment having a baby for the first time.”
“No, I just don’t want to push it out of my crotch.”
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ha this was funny
thanks!
Comment on 13th Sep '06 @ 8:05 amThis comment is 1
Haha!! Thats how I feel! Im excited to go on my hospital tour but im sooo not ready for all the pushing and the places it pushes from lol!!
Comment on 9th Nov '06 @ 8:18 pmThis comment is 1
I know how you feel. I have very similar feelings about the tour and the pushing. This shouldn't be seeing as though I have five year old twin boys and a two year old boy.
Comment on 6th Jan '07 @ 2:44 pmThis comment is 1
I don't know how I feel about it yet, this being my first and I'm only 24 weeks. Right now I have the feeling of can't I just have the thing out of me now, please, but I know the baby still needs time to grow. However, recently I found out I have an overly sensative cervix, and since the outside is open I have to have it measured with an ultrasound. I'm just hoping not a vaginal one, I cried during my last exam when they measured how open the cervix was, it was so painful. So yes with each week I will probably want to push the baby out of my crotch less. My friend had her baby at the end of October, as they were taking her into the delivery room she said, "I changed my mind, I don't want to have this baby." and she had a c-section. When my grandmother had her first child they gave her to much pain killer and she fell asleep, when she woke up she asked the nurse what she had, the nurse said A nap.
Comment on 9th Jan '07 @ 6:17 pmThis comment is 1
Gosh, that's the funniest thing I've read lately, thanks! I know the feeling! Within the first week I told my mother I was pregnant, she made me watch some birth show...OUCH! I just don't see how that can come out of THAT...C-sections don't look that much more pleasent...They need to invent a baby-teleporter
Comment on 12th Feb '07 @ 2:37 pmThis comment is 1
I can't decide what I'm more scared of, the chance of having a normal vaginal birth or the chance of a c-section (I've NEVER had surgery!!) This almost too wierd for me... a year ago I never would have guessed that I would be online chatting to other girls about their pregnancys (this is my first, not planned...yeeeee) I'm excited to meet my baby, not so excited about the process of getting baby out.
Comment on 15th Feb '07 @ 6:00 pmThis comment is 1
I cannot wait to have my baby in 3 months. But I am extremly scared about pushing him/her out, not because then it's all real, but all the things that can possibly go wrong. and knowing how big the baby possibly will be, and worring about everything is scarey. It might be less scarey if daddy/husband/partner was there. But Daddy/husband will be in Iraq, so that plays a big part of my worries. It's nice to know that I am not the only one with these fears and worries!!
Comment on 24th Feb '07 @ 8:47 amThis comment is 1
LOl.. i feel the same way... i've done the whole maternity ward tour and it made everything alot more real but my main concern of fear.. lol. is exactly how the heck that big head comes out of a little hole.. LOl.. but on the other hand.. i don't wanna have a c-section either :(
Comment on 2nd Mar '07 @ 8:55 amThis comment is 1
I absolutely agree. It gets to me when bigger pregnant woman are in the room and i dont know what it is that makes me feel this way! But some do tend to look at you as if they are thinking something similar to what you are. I can't imagine pushing in three months! At first, time was going by so slow but now, it's like i can count down on my fingers to the day ill be due! Anyways, I recently found out that a friend is going through the same timing of pregnancy as me, so i guess i don't feel too alone. Well, best of luck to all the mothers-to-be!
Comment on 8th Mar '07 @ 2:10 pmThis comment is 1
lol... you know what? I found the tour rather boring! I couldnt wait to have my son... labour and delivery was a cinch! I knew I wanted more children. I am now due in july, and cant wait. Even if this time round is worse it is all so very worth it.
Comment on 11th Mar '07 @ 9:25 pmThis comment is 1
My tour at the hospital is scheduled along with my Childbirthing classes at the local hospital where I'll hopefully be having the baby. I'll be around 32-33 weeks then! Im sure its going to scare the bajeebuz out of me, to see all of the "technical" part of labor and childbirth. Im only 25 weeks now, and I often think about "changing my mind". lol. I cant wait to see her, but I wish someone else would volunteer to do the hard work for me. Im hoping since I am still rather small that SHE will stay small just a lil' while longer! lol. In a magazine I got, they showed exactly what "10 centimeters" is.. its not very much ladies. :(
Comment on 24th Mar '07 @ 12:14 pmThis comment is 1
“No, I just don’t want to push it out of my crotch.”
Yep, that freaks me out too but is nice to see I'm not the only one scared and not exactly "excited." This is my first, I'm 25 weeks, one day along and the further along I get the more scared. Mostly I am scared about baby getting out of me...don't want a c-section, never had surgery and never been hospitalized (I've been pretty lucky), I don't like doctors and especially don't like hospitals. "Get over it," right?
Comment on 4th Apr '07 @ 4:37 pmThis comment is 1
This article was so funny and true. Yes, I was one of those ladies looking at the others judging (despite this being my second child). There was a woman with her husband (?) in our group who was scheduled for a c-section. I didn't even know she was pregnant (she was very overweight), so I assumed she was a support person for another couple. Shame on me, I know. But, this article supported what does happen.
Comment on 1st May '07 @ 11:22 amThis comment is 1
I went on the tour when I was about 22 or 23 weeks... I just thought, what if I dont like the hospital? Then there would be plenty of time to plan a tour to another... I didnt want to be like some of the mom's there who only had a week to go, what if they ended up hating it... only a week to find someplace new with so much going on? So I didnt care if they looked at me like my belly was little. I thought theirs were too big. lol.
Comment on 9th May '07 @ 6:56 pmThis comment is 1
Thank you! Very funny and so great to feel understood! I don't have any pregnant friends so they obviously just don't get it. Had to LOL because I put on my "favorite" pair of maternity jeans this morning, and they didn't seem to fit quite as well in the derriere. Ugh. I love my baby belly, but does my butt have to grow along with it!!???
Comment on 22nd May '07 @ 11:21 amThis comment is 1
LOL.God, I feel the same way. I have 3 more months to go and I'm getting very anxious and excited to have my baby in my arms, but I'm not so excited about the pain I'll have to go through.
Comment on 25th Jun '07 @ 8:29 amThis comment is 1
haha. This article made me laugh. I enjoyed reading it. I have three more months to go and I am barely fitting into any of my maternity wear!! I wish this sucker would just grow enough now so I can push her out and have my body back again!!!!!
Comment on 15th Jul '07 @ 3:24 pmThis comment is 1
Ha Ha! I loved it! So funny yet soooo true!
Comment on 4th Aug '07 @ 7:41 amThis comment is 1
So cute! I love these...
Comment on 8th Aug '07 @ 8:45 amThis comment is 1
I would like to think with all the weight I have put on I am going to giving birth to a 25 pound baby,however I know this is not the case. All this talk about pushing scares me too but if thats what I have to do to get my body back then so be it, I will push like Ive never pushed before!
Comment on 16th Aug '07 @ 10:54 pmThis comment is 1
OMG! LMBO! I almost spit out my drink when I read that! I have to say, I kinda agree. lol No way to get out of that part now though. :)
Comment on 28th Aug '07 @ 11:07 amThis comment is 1
I'm glad to see that other women are feeling the same fears as me! I felt like such a hormonal baby. My husband and I tried for over 2 years with no luck, and FINALLY got our wish. I'm now 25 weeks with a little boy, and I see him as such a blessing. However, the other day I made the mistake of watching a birthing video at work (I work in an ob's office) and I got so overwhelmed! I called my husband crying about how I didn't want to do this anymore. He laughed at me and said "where did you think the baby would come out?" Silly, I know, but KNOWING it comes from there and SEEING it come from there are two completely different things! Thanks for the laugh. I feel better now. :)
Comment on 29th Aug '07 @ 11:19 amThis comment is 1
The thought of having a C-section is scarier to me than the thought of pushing it out of my "region"! I dread the day my dr. says something went wrong and we have to cut you open... I want a natural child birth (but yes, pass the painkillers please!)
Let's hope the hopsital tour goes a little better for me, I HATE hopsitals!! : (
Comment on 23rd Oct '07 @ 12:17 pmThis comment is 1
Thanks for the reminder! I am officially 25 weeks and don't even KNOW what my local hospital offers!
Comment on 5th Nov '07 @ 4:55 amThis comment is 1
Your lucky that you can visite your hospital,by us they dont give you a tour.You have absoluty no idea what is awaiting you when your due,and aslo we dont have classes where they teach you how to get true labore and the husband or anyone else is not alowd in the hospital either. So your very lucky ;)
Comment on 25th Nov '07 @ 1:14 pmThis comment is 1
I never thought to ask for a tour, but now that I read about them and especially since they are remodling the hospital I want one. I hope they are finished with all of the remodling by the time I'm supposed to have the baby. God bless to all the expecting mommies and daddies out there!
Comment on 5th Jan '08 @ 6:25 pmThis comment is 1
I am just a little nervous about the whole delivery thing.I am 25 weeks and I will be going on my hospital tour soon.I really like my doctor so I am not too worried. I watched my friend go through labour and when i heard her scream during delivery I thought, wow, that must really hurt..lol..and she had an epidural..but so far this pregnancy has gone better than my others so I am very happy and confident about it all..but everyone says I'll change my mind about it..not wanting to be in labour and keep him in for a little while longer..i just can't wait to meet the little guy..
Comment on 7th Jan '08 @ 2:00 pmThis comment is 1
Nice Site!!!
Comment on 10th Jan '08 @ 7:02 amThis comment is 1
this article is so true for me - I couldn't help but laugh out loud :) I hate the fact that I'm constantly being watched by other women, but I'm sure I do and have done the same thing. One thing that's different for me is that since I'm pregnant with twins, it seems very important that I let everyone know that while they're judging me.
Comment on 16th Jan '08 @ 7:23 amThis comment is 1
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Comment on 24th Feb '08 @ 7:02 amThis comment is 1
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Comment on 24th Feb '08 @ 7:04 amThis comment is 1
OMG!!! That was Great, and also very true.
I most of the time find myself tryna make sure I look like Pregnant Glam Girl at all times and not settle in to the Jogging Pants and flip flop stage!! ( No Offense anyone, I do envy how cozy you look. But I really enjoyed that it made me laugh just what I needed!!
Comment on 21st Mar '08 @ 6:34 pmThis comment is 1
Zdrasste! Nice site. thx
Comment on 11th Apr '08 @ 2:20 pmThis comment is 1
you seem paranoid and psychotic!
Comment on 10th May '08 @ 9:32 amThis comment is 1
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